A Michigan Home Where the Design Makes No Sense and the Furniture Is Wrapped Like Rolos

When my daughter was little, I got the bright idea that I would learn to sew. I would make her clothes or stuffed animals or clothes for her stuffed animals. All excited, I bought my sewing machine, material that she liked and some patterns. The level of self-induced brain pain I inflicted upon myself was monumental.

This is a perfect representation of how I felt and looked after spending an inordinate amount of time staring at those patterns. I remember reading that I needed to cut some material 5 and 6/8ths. I was like, “What the hell? That’s not even real!” 

When I finally accepted that I was out of my depth, I went off book and created what I wanted. The freedom the right side of my brain felt was exhilarating. It was as though it had been set free to run through a dewy field of newly blossomed flowers. (That’s the right brain typing right there.)

Now, could my daughter wear what I made? Oh God, no. Absolutely not. She would look like a lunatic, but the puppets and other stuffed things I made her were fabulous. Give me a hot glue gun and some googly eyes and I transform into a freakin’ Picasso.

This all brings me to the house featured in this week’s column. No patterns were followed, and the rest can be fixed with some googly eyes.

It seemed like they tried to keep the pattern going, but then…

They just completely went off the rails. I think they are counting on that table to distract you from the floor. Let’s get a better look.

Ummm doggies, the gold table, chairs, and light fixture absolutely match. No taking your eyeballs off of them.

It gets better in the living room.

Do you know what would really make the gold foil-wrapped couches look even more awesome?

Yes, yes. Googly eyes indeed. Make sure you have a big bag because it continues.

At first, I thought this was the bathroom, but then I noticed the white mattress under the sheet.

This is the bathroom this house deserves. I know what you are thinking. “Where is the gold toilet?” Your wish is my command.

The bottle of Dove hand soap just makes me laugh.

Of course, there’s a gold tub. I am not quite sure what is going on with the perspective on the tile, though. That does bring us back to where we started. Patterns.

The hot glue gun matches the tub and that, my peoples, is how that is done.

See more information on this Rolo-wrapped Michigan home listed for $875,000.