Beverly Hills Home is the Perfect Place to Numb Your Bum

Just looking at the house featured in this week’s column makes my butt go numb. I said what I said and I stand by it. Wait until you see this thing. There is little doubt that your butt will go numb. I know such things because I already had this discussion with the Gusman. He did not believe me. I showed him the house and you know what happened? His butt went numb.

A more perfect representation of the Gusman trying to wake up his rear does not exist. I do love me some John Cleese. He is hysterical. I digress.

By this point in the column, my delightful editor, Shelby Skrhak, is thinking “How many more times is this woman going to use the word butt?” That was the last time, I promise. I digress yet again.

Now the only thing worse than the numbing derrière is that this house looks like the lair of some evil Bond villain or Lex Luthor. Lex would love this place.

With a price tag of $68 million, it will take a really wealthy villain to buy this Beverly Hills home. One of the selling points in the description is, “built entirely in exquisite poured-in-place concrete.” The translation is that this builder got every drop of concrete in the state of California and used it to build this house. How’s your tuchus now? Is it going numb yet?

This makes perfect sense. Why wouldn’t you have a motorcycle at the entrance of your home surrounded by concrete pillars?

The view is spectacular but my word, even the furniture looks uncomfortable.

The upside to this home is that when you reach the level of numbness where you are no longer convinced you even have a posterior, the house is wonderful for walking around outside and looking at the view. You can behold the entire Los Angeles Basin from downtown to the sea. Let’s go back inside.

This is the absolute perfect bar even though it looks like you’re going to be shot with laser beams as you approach. The perfection is in the fact that there is no place to sit. Your fanny stands a solid chance of not going numb if you can keep it moving.

That is exactly what I am talking about. This man’s bread truck is breaking all kinds of speed limits. Mercy me. You are welcome. 

Nothing screams cozy like a fireplace, ensconced in concrete, that looks as though it could also melt steel. Okay, let’s move on to the kitchen. 

No doubt that sides of beef get hung in this kitchen without any problems of it going bad because aside from all the concrete, the stainless steel will serve to keep the meat and your rump frozen. 

I do not know about the rest of you but I have seen enough to know I have seen too much. Time for me to go wake up my bum.

A more perfect representation of me trying to wake up my bottom does not exist.