If You’re Cool with Trolls for Neighbors, This Bridge House Is For You

“Stunning, one-of-a-kind retreat on 5 private acres. What started as a simple bridge in the 1950s has evolved into an architectural marvel that defies expectation.” What they left off was “Bog monsters can be moody at times. Be careful.” They also left out: “Beware of trolls.” Short, squatty bodies with big butts. It’s understandable that trolls would have a bad attitude.

Yeah, that will wake you up in the morning. I mean, there are scary neighbors then there are scary neighbors.

As you can see, this is a former bridge that some genius decided to turn into a house. Why, in the name of everything good and holy, would you have a moat and no drawbridge? That’s the whole point. Even Monty Python got that right.

This guy had a drawbridge. I digress.

If there was one word I would use to describe this home it would have to be moist. You have to respect the owners for having their lifeboats close. That’s called big brain thinkin’. They didn’t even bother installing a backdoor so once the water starts rising they can just run right out like a cartoon character and land in their kayaks.

What about these trolls and bog monsters? Well they right there in the shadows underneath the bridge house along the River de Diarrhea. Oh I know. I can hear the groans. It’s gross but come on, that’s pretty on point. This explains why the bog monsters and trolls have such bad attitudes.

His coloring is almost an identical match to the water.

This is the portion of the house that is directly above the river. That’s exactly where I would put my baby grand piano too.

Now they’re trying to sell this house as being totally secluded on five acres. Imagine my surprise when I look out the window and see a car, and a street, and a neighbor’s house. Here I thought I would only have to deal with bog monsters and trolls and now I have to deal with humans as well. That’s a little much. Oh, one more thing. Water, water everywhere and not a drop for the flopped out plant by the window. My father.

Full disclosure here. There is no way I could get my big, ‘ol butt off those mustard colored chairs. I would simply have to roll off. I think that’s what the owners do but they are more limber than I am. I mean, they do have their yoga mats hanging on the wall so they have that going for them.

Warning: you all to humor me for a minute. Looking at the kitchen, I guess you could say this is an assortment of stool samples. Ba dum dum. Come on, deep in your heart you knew I was going to make another doody joke. I have the sense of humor of an elementary school child.

On the one hand, you always have your suitcase rack ready to go so you can pack quickly when the water starts rising. But then you have go up and down three steps to get your stuff and get out. Why do people make things so much harder than they have to be?

The tub detaches and becomes a flotation device in the event of flooding. I just made that up. But you can not not see it now right? You’re welcome.

Let’s go back outside shall we?

This is the field where you will be running for life from the bog monsters and trolls. Unless you just cross the street to your neighbors. I think I’d prefer to hedge my bets and squish squish my way across the field. Okay, one more.

Whenver I see this photo, I get no less than a dozen mosquito bites. I’m going to stop here because I know I cannot get away with another doody joke.

Located in New Albany, Ohio, this 2,195-square-foot home is listed for $799,900.