There are Things Going On Inside This Nevada Home That Have to Be Seen to Be Believed

There are times when I make up stories about the people who live in the homes I write about. It is the only way I can make their choices make sense to me. I absolutely had to do that this week because there were some things that were a little much, and then there were other things that left me rocking in fetal position like these statues.

We are all going to be like this dog by the time this column is done. I know I sound this alarm a lot with the vast majority of the homes, but this time, it’s for reals. There are things going on that can only be explained with the following story:

The owners of this week’s Wednesday WTF home made their way to Reno, where they spent no less than 21 years inside a casino and finally hit it big. With all sense of taste eroded from years of the bells, rings, and dings of slot machines, they hired an interior decorator who’d been blind since the age of five. You see, that’s a story that explains the things going on in this house.

Everything looks fine. Hold on to your butts.

Welcome to the fancy foyer at the casino, I mean, home. Let me warn you now, there are 200 photographs that accompany this listing. There is no way for me to use all of them, so I am hitting the highlights.

Okay, you’ve entered the house. Let’s go relax in the living room. It is right through these doors. Brace.

Aaahhhh, yes the dueling Baby Grands along with a zebra rug, a happy fat man, a tiger, and an elephant in what seems to be a jungle-themed room.

Living room is much too specific of a descriptive term. This room is holding a replica of every casino they’ve ever entered. There are things going on that we do not even know about. The wallpaper is of the magic eye variety, and to look at while trying to walk up stairs to get to the pianos, well, all I have to say to that is God bless. I hope you heal quickly.

Let’s put a pin in the flying pickle painting. Was it really that crucial to continue the wallpaper along the window trim? Okay, back to the painting. The pickle is living its best life. What more is there to say? Let’s be happy for the peppy pickle.

It looks like some evil spirit is going to come out of that fire. The statues have their heads down and are minding their own business.

All of this insanity is in one humongous room. I have to give you one more.

Here’s the conversation: “Hey babe, where do you want to hang the clock?”

“There are no clocks on the walls in the casinos. Just leave it on the floor leaning against the chair. That’s good.”

I’m moving on to the bathroom because I have to. I. Have. To.

Here’s the procedure for getting into the tub. First, you plop your big ‘ol butt on the cold marble and then swing your legs over like you’re sitting on a Lazy Susan. Just swing those hamhocks over. For those lacking in the necessary grace, you have a tub handle to grab on to. None of this would really matter if the bathroom had a door, but that is just trifles at this point. Reverse the procedure to exit the tub.

Three things here. You and the Mrs. can have a literal potty race to see who finishes first. I hope you don’t mind the photo of ‘Ol George Costanza staring at you while you relieve yourself. Lastly, I can not think of a worse location to hang a chocolate candies sign.

I know how you feel, Chef. All these things are going to haunt me for a long time as well.

This more than 10,000 square-foot-home in Reno, Nevada is listed for $7.4 million.