Even with an Almighty Sense of Humor, Jesus Would Find this Alabama Home a Bit Much

In honor of the Christmas season, I found a house to feature this week that recognizes and fully embraces the “reason for the season.” No, no, I’m not talking about Santa. I’m talking about J-Man, Señor Savior, the Babe in search of a manger. That’s right. I’m talking about Jesus.

Okay, this is not exactly what I was going for but you get the idea.

The house featured in this week’s column has no less than 6,247 statues of Jesus, 2,581 statues of Mary (Jesus’ Muddah) and an endless array of other religious symbols to boot. Oh yeah, this house is located in Alabama. A shocker, I know.

My first thought here was that no one will be able to put the moves on their date with judgey Jesus standing right behind them. But then on the other hand, there’s a frisky little warthog hanging on the wall wearing a sexy silk top hat. What to do?

Okay, the question of whether you should put the moves on your date is answered. You got El Papa on one side of the fireplace and the Holy Mother on the other side staring right at you, not to mention the rest of the Holy Family. I mean Holy Crap (both literally and figuratively!)

Here’s one more picture of this room. Don’t let the painting of the booby lady give you any type of hope. This is most definitely not a “booby” art house.

To those who thought the house could not get any creepier than being filled with religious statues, don’t you feel like a great big donkey? Religious statues vs. babydolls stuck in glass curios. That’s a pay-per view I want to see.

Now I know a lot of you are thinking that this cannot be a Jesus house without there being a miracle.

You know there is a tote somewhere in this house with all the crap that was on these counters, but we’re not going there. Jesus walked on water. Jesus raised people from the dead. Jesus turned water into wine (a fan favorite!) Jesus came into this kitchen and made it the only normal room in this house.

Bedroom number one.

Remember those moves you dared not try on the couch, well, you can kiss those goodbye in this bedroom as well. Jesus looks concerned. Mary looks sad. The dolls in the chair look bored. It would take a miracle to make some magic happen and the miracle got blown on the kitchen transformation.

Bedroom number two.

Okay, okay, who had a skeleton with mosquito netting on their head on their bingo card? Aside from the body pillow of the lady waiting for the Rapture or the reenactment of when she died in that bed, you have a better chance of making nice-nice in this room. The multitude of statues look like they are waiting for a show and are not nearly as judgmental as all the others.

We can agree that the Almighty is just that, almighty. So it is a safe assumption that someone like Jesus would have an almighty sense of humor. The sign above the commode says, “You can’t hide from death… live for today.” The fact that this sign is right next to the Norman Bates tub and shower is just the chef’s kiss. That is some almighty humor. Just sayin’.

Okay, one more.

When the term “forever home” becomes a reality. Mic drop!

You’ll forgive me as I hustle myself to the nearest confessional. Time to put Jesus’ almighty humor to a test.

Sitting on nearly an acre, this home located in Daphne, Alabama is listed for $510,000.