TW: Confined Spaces Will Raise Your Anxiety Levels, Send You Running

For those with anxiety or issues with confined spaces, consider this a trigger warning (TW: claustrophobia). The home featured in this week’s column is going to cause you to have an episode. When I was done looking at this house I went to my front yard and laid down and stared at the sky. I met three new neighbors who stopped to ask if I was okay.

The accuracy of that gif is uncanny! Without a doubt that very good boy saw the house as well and his anxiety could only be eased by doing a squiggle in the yard. I, on the other hand, did not squiggle. I digress.

“The central brick section, inspired by Louis Kahn, showcases rationalist elements, while the prominent batten-seam, terne-metal mansard (replaced in copper in 2005) introduces a bold postmodern touch.”

Look, man I do not know what any of those words, in that particular order, mean but they make me want to run screaming to the yard. 

I love Ferris Bueller’s Day Off so much. I’ve been waiting years to use this gif. I digress again.

Okay my lovelies, this is your last chance to take your anti-anxiety medication because we are going inside.

The entry and living room look like one of those slicers that makes perfect cheese cubes. You just pull down on the lever and waa laa you have perfect cubes of cheese. Or, in this case, perfect cubes of friends, family, salesmen, etc., whomever dropped by for a visit. By the look of the grout, it seems that is exactly what happened in this room. Hannibal Lecter would be so pleased. On to the second floor.

I love the cage hanging from the ceiling that is also subbing as the light fixture. No way your guests are leaving before you’re ready for them to go. Cheese cube, anyone?

Here comes the kitchen. Make sure you watch your head.

Whoa.

You are either smacking your head against the shelf above the sink or when you’re sliding food out the window as though you were Mel the cook from the old television show, Alice. It’s like cooking in a cave.

To the third floor.

Finally, you feel as though you will not be cubed nor stuck in a cave. Granted the windows are different shapes and they are leaning in a bit but at least you have a little more room.

Oh but what is this? Yet another staircase.

So, you are now at the top floor of the house. This would make a nice studio room or perhaps a bedroom. There are only one-and-a-half bathrooms in this entire building so I guess you better not mind going downstairs to use the bathroom. My bladder says no.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but my anxiety is up again and I am ready to go back outside, lay in my yard, and meet some more neighbors.

See more of this Philadelphia home priced at $3.5 million.