Malibu Home Makes You Feel Like An Uncomfortable Geranium

As we get older our priorities tend to change. For instance, at this point in time I am prioritizing comfort. Comfortable clothes. Comfortable shoes. Comfortable bras. If it is not comfortable I am truly not interested.

You see, I do not have to do this move anymore because my bras are comfortable. I digress.

It is my quest for comfort that has me feeling personally attacked by the home featured in this week’s column. It is the kryptonite to my superpower. Yes, yes, I am saying that being comfortable is my superpower. Deal with it.

Back to this house. The sense of betrayal by said house is real. First of all, it is in Malibu, California. Malibu is just lovely. I love Malibu. It sits on 4 acres and has more bathrooms than bedrooms. You want to talk about comfort, having more bathrooms than bedrooms or people, for that matter, is the height of comfort. I say this as someone who lives in a two-bedroom, one-bath house and has danced a million steps waiting for my turn.

Accurate representation, just sayin’. Enough talking about this Malibu house. I am just going to show you.

This five-bedroom, five-and-a-half bathroom home is located at 5900 Bonsall Drive, Malibu, California. It is 7,200 square feet and given the amount of land that comes with the home, there are professional equestrian facilities with a four-stall barn. The owners are asking $29.5 million. 

This could be the front door or maybe the second picture is the front door. Why would you make the main entry of your home an angle? I do not know.

All the walls are glass. I feel as though I am entering some portal. A really uncomfortable portal.

I love windows and natural light. Do you want to know what I do not like? Feeling like a geranium that is desperate to be watered.

Ah, the kitchen. Love the open concept and there is lots of counter space. Nice. What I do not see is the fridge, stove, oven, microwave or anything else you would actually need to prepare something to eat.

I have a feeling everything is behind the doors. So many doors. I am not spending my life opening and closing doors every time I cook but let me be real, if I can afford this house what the hell do I care where the fridge is? That is the problem of my personal chef.

There is an uncomfortable park bench for you to sit on as you make your way to the primary suite.

Apparently, doors are only used to hide appliances and clothes, not for, let us say, privacy in our bedroom and bathroom.

Okay, one more.

You want to know what is really uncomfortable? Having the sun burn my retinas as I sit at my desk trying to write my column. I really want to like this house but I am just not comfortable doing so. 

For more photos go here.