Wednesday WTF: Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now, Or Something

Most of the time, the Wednesday WTF is a surprise to everyone else at CandysDirt.com. Sometimes someone in our crew will send me one that is perfect, so they’re not so surprised. But sometimes, a listing so special comes along that I sit in Slack and torture people with it before I even write about it.

So meet 308-312 Filmore St. in Riverside, N.J. I slid this bad boy into Jo’s mentions yesterday because 1) I knew she’d like it; and 2) she also enjoys a conversation held almost entirely in animated gifs.

First, let’s talk about this property description, and then we can look at some pictures.

“This is the most unbelievable property on the market!” the listing enthuses. “If you are a collector of any kind, run a home business, have lots of friends (hundreds)that come to your home for a party, then this is the home for you!”

OK, now hold up. I posit that if you purchase this house with the collection (which the listing says is also available), you won’t need friends.

Why? Well, let’s look at yesterday’s conversation about this house.

Me: “I feel like this house could also be a great Cracker Barrel.”

Jo: “There could be food, but there’s mostly just a bunch of garbage you don’t need.”

Me: “And who needs friends when you have 500 mannequins to keep you company?”

That’s right. Mannequins.

So.

Many.

Mannequins.

Jo could see the house for what it was, though, sans clutter. A great property with lots of room to party.

Jo: “Seriously, though, if you get rid of the junk, it’s not bad. It’s pretty great, actually. BUT DAMN. I feel overstimulated just looking at the pictures.”

Me: “The good news is I staged the house. The bad news is I staged it like that one weird store in a struggling downtown of a small midwestern town. OMG. It’s the store Napoleon Dynamite shopped at.”

Jo: “But for real — I need all that space for $319,000. Can we talk about the price? It’s so cheap, that when you had a hazmat crew clear it out, you would make it in the black just flipping it.”

Me:

“Sure. We can talk about the price.”

But no, Jo’s right. Clear out the five Cracker Barrel’s and one Ben Franklin store situated inside the property and you have a great home with some phenomenal features like stained glass throughout; a big, gorgeous kitchen, and plenty of room for hobbies.

Or, you know, mannequins.