Wednesday WTF: Christmas Presents for Folks With Too Much Damned Money

Share News:

wtf

No, seriously, you need to read about this can (Photos courtesy Tiffany.com).

Do you have too much damned money? Are you like Scrooge McDuck and just have an entire room of money that you launch yourself into on a daily basis? HAVE WE GOT THE WEDNESDAY WTF FOR YOU.

wtf

See, I had to spend some time on hold recently, and since when I do this I can only concentrate on not stabbing someone through the phone, I just kind of futzed around on the Internet. Then I clicked on the Tiffany.com website because you know, pretty, and I found this thing.

A portal, if you will, into another dimension called Price Is No Object.

wtf

Now, if you’re like me, price is definitely an object. It’s not an abstract idea where you guess that maybe a new TV costs either $50 or $5,000 but that’s all the same to you, but actual real money that I had to earn by sheer grit, determination and snark has to pay for my objects, which definitely have prices. Often, clearance prices.

wtf

But dude, don’t you kind of want to know what life looks like in Priceisnoobjectvania? I mean, I sure as hell did.

But when I looked, I realized I had no fornicating idea what to do when price is no object because NOT ONE OF THESE THINGS MAKES SENSE.

wtf

Take for instance, this tin can. It comes in two different styles, and the cheapest version is — hold on to your off-brand Spanx nylons, folks — one thousand damned American dollars.

ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS. For a can. SWEET SAINTED JOANNA GAINES ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR A CAN THAT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE FOOD IN IT.

wtf

And there is another version that is sterling silver and is $1,500, just in case the $1,000 empty damned can is too bougie for you or something.

Listen. I’ll eat the peaches out of this can sitting in my pantry, clean it, and sell it to you for $25. I only have to do this 40 times and then I can afford my $1,000 empty can. That’s just math.

wtf

Still have a wallet full of benjamins throwing off your hip placement when you sit? How about $1,000 for a walnut tic tac toe set?  “Tiffany artisans transform utilitarian items into handcrafted works of art,” the website says. “Sterling silver, American walnut and striking amazonite make this timeless set an elegant choice.”

I mean, OK, whatever, I do my tic-tac-toeing on the finest college-ruled notebook paper money can buy at Target, but you do you.

wtf

wtf

Feel like you could knit, but really you just need something shiny and knitting is for poor people? How about a sterling silver ball of yarn that costs the same as a 2015 Kia Rio? We got that for you.

“This limited-edition piece is one of five handcrafted by Tiffany artisans in New York in 2017,” the poor schmuck paid to enthuse about $9,000 balls of unusable yarn says.  “A ball of yarn is reimagined in handspun strands of textured sterling silver, rendering the ordinary extraordinary.”

ONE OF FIVE. HANDCRAFTED IN NEW YORK. IN 2017. YOU’D BE A FOOOOOOOL NOT TO BUY THIS.
Or something.

If you’re tired of stepping on ordinary Legos in the middle of the night, you should spend $1,500 for sterling silver and walnut Legos instead. That’s right, fancy Legos.

Instead of stepping on tiny plastic pieces in the middle of the night and then working mightily not to cuss out loud and waking your tiny cherub AND teaching said tiny cherub new words he’ll repeat while waiting for carpool the next day, you can step on sterling silver and WALNUT tiny toy pieces and feel fancy about your swallowed curses in the night.

So there you go. If you feel so generous, you can send me a sterling silver can. I won’t put it in my pantry, mostly because that would make my green beans and stewed tomatoes feel bad.  I’ll probably put something artisan in it, like one single feather made of gold, or a sterling silver toothbrush, or maybe I’ll even turn it into a chalice to drink sterling silver Boone’s Farm from.

Merry Christmas.

 

Posted in

Bethany Erickson lives in a 1961 Fox and Jacobs home with her husband, a second-grader, and Conrad Bain the dog. If she won the lottery, she'd by an E. Faye Jones home.
She's taken home a few awards for her writing, including a Gold award for Best Series at the 2018 National Association of Real Estate Editors journalism awards, a 2018 Hugh Aynesworth Award for Editorial Opinion from the Dallas Press Club, and a 2019 award from NAREE for a piece linking Medicaid expansion with housing insecurity.
She is a member of the Online News Association, the Education Writers Association, the International Academy of Digital Arts and Sciences, and the Society of Professional Journalists.
She doesn't like lima beans or the word moist.

Leave a Comment