This Georgia House Is an Architectural Migraine

Fair warning, I have a headache. At the end of this column you will have a headache. It is what it is. No one ever said life was fair. Life is pain. You just get used to it.

Look, stop with the eyeball/forehead rubbing. It’s not going to help and you haven’t even seen the house yet. I’ll be kind and put you out of your misery.

I’m just going to come at you fast and furious style:

The house looks like it tipped over and the owners thought, “Hey, there’s an idea.”

The house looks like it fell off the back of a truck.

This house looks like an unsolved Rubik’s Cube right before I throw it across the room. Let’s continue.

I hope you don’t expect to be able to sit in front of that fireplace without having your eyebrows singed off because that is how close you will be sitting to the flames.

For the designers out there, do they make window coverings in size “stupid?” They couldn’t even give us a complete triangle.

Yes it is.

Oh look, the missing angle to the window in the living room but hey, wait a minute… maybe it’s a good thing you don’t have a full window because you will spend the rest of your life cleaning the cooking grease off it. And by the way, someone dropped a duece on the dining room table.

You probably didn’t even notice the thing on the dining table because you were fixated on the stairs.

In the space of about 10 feet, I count at least seven or eight different floor levels. If you don’t have a headache from looking at this house, you will absolutely get one when you crack your coconut tripping over one of the levels. I haven’t even mentioned those stairs. Look Ma, no handrail! I tell you with all the honesty I have in my bones, there is nothing at the top of those stairs that I am in the least bit interested.

Oh look, at the top of the stairs of death, you have the most useless ceiling fan in the world. Once again, we have to discuss the window coverings. One set is too long and dragging on the floor and the other one is reminiscient of a teeny tiny little thong that, like most thongs, does not work the way you intended and makes people stare.

To the bathroom!

The term butt trumpet comes to mind because with the tall ceilings, tile floors, and all the glass — even the smallest of toots is going to sound like Gabriel blowing his freakin’ horn. Because there is only a macrame door to said bathroom, everyone in that house will hear you. Unless they tried climbing the stairs and they are in agony at the bottom since they will have broken their legs into several pieces.

Okay, I’m done. I know it seems like I put you through some agony with this house but I had to share the pain. It would have been rude not to.

Yeah, that’s right. See how happy it made me?

Sitting on a quarter acre, this Marietta, Georgia home is listed for $799,000.