Conjured Minnesota Home Makes for a Perfect Cult Compound Complete with Portals

“Some homes are built, others are conjured,” is the opening line to the description of the house featured in this week’s column. “Conjured?” Does anyone really want to live in a house that was conjured? That doesn’t sound appealing. Who did this conjuring, and why didn’t they just go to an architect like normal, rational people? Conjured? I don’t know about you, but I would be sitting up in bed just waiting for the walls to start bleeding.

However, from a storytelling point of view, that first sentence is what we would call a grabber. The second sentence is what would be called, for lack of a better word, a warning. It goes like this: “Set upon 36 private acres in Plymouth, Minnesota, the Purple House is not merely a house, but a portal to another realman architectural spell cast in steel, glass, and wood over years of obsessive design.”

Just so we’re on the same page here, this home that was conjured isn’t actually a home but a portal. These people have lost their minds. It’s a portal in a house that has been conjured? I’ve got just one thing to say, “Run bish, run! Run for your life!”

Let’s get started, shall we?

Apparently, the person who conjured this home knows nothing about symmetry. They have lots of windows, and none of them are the same. Here’s a lesson I’ve learned: the weirder the windows, the weirder the interior.

Cult headquarters.

Whatever you do, don’t go through those doors. I know, the purple glow is hypnotic.

Beam me up, Scottie! Come on, I’d be committing malpractice if I didn’t say it. Seriously, this is a cross between Star Trek and I Dream of Jeanie.

It took me forever to figure out what I was looking at until my eyes drifted to the left. It’s a powder room! Somebody better conjure up some Milk of Magnesia because there is no way anyone could take care of their daily constitutional in this bathroom.

Wait, it gets better.

“Hey hon, I’m going to make this room my office.”

“I got you covered babe.” (Appears with the front end of a Plymouth.)

“… and that your honor, is when I killed him.”

“Not guilty!”

Ah, yes, the kitchen, dining, and family room area.

Can it really be an effective cult compound if there is not enough seating and a standing bar for everyone in said cult? And who conjured up this fellow?

Or perhaps, he is the conjurer?

There is still so much to see, I am just going to hit the highlights. You absolutely have to go through and see all the photos. Okay, here we go.

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. I love the sink. Best feature of the house.

For those times when you want to feel like a baby chick, just insert a red bulb into the Tractor Supply Store light fixture.

For when you need an escape, there’s a room on the other side of the tunnel that seems to be only accessible through the tunnel.

Hookah smoking caterpillar with robot alien children standing guard. If that’s not a statement for a bathroom, then by God, I don’t know what is. Last but not least…

The rapture!

Okay, that’s it. I’m done. I have seen enough to know I have seen too much. Here’s hoping you conjure up a safe and Happy Halloween.

This Plymouth, Minnesota home is listed for $2.9 million.