Downsizing Diaries: The Hard Work of Letting Go
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It’s Labor Day, and while most folks are firing up the grill or at least taking in a movie to beat the rain, I’m deeply entrenched in the three P’s where I have been buried for months — purging, packing, panicking. Gave the editors the day off, too, not just for the holiday but because they have been working overtime covering for me during this super stressful time.
I love our home dearly, every inch of it. We conceptualized, designed, and built it to our hearts’ desires 25 years ago. When we moved in — which was the easiest move on the planet because I built SO MANY CLOSETS — we said this is our forever house. We are never leaving.
We forgot about getting old!
Not that we are old now — I refuse to age — but we know the future.
The hardest thing in my life was selling the contents of my mother’s condo after her death. I am tearing up now just remembering it. It was months before I could bear to even empty her condo — I used to go over, sit, and imagine she would walk through the door.
I remember we were in her tidy home, boxes of her trinkets lined up on a long table for the estate sale, strangers sifting through her costume jewelry. I wanted to swat their hands away. You know this experience, we all know this experience with loved ones. Shedding a loved one’s possessions is one of life’s passages.
It is not a fun one.
“This is the unglamorous part of real estate you are experiencing,” Susan Baldwin told me. “Looking at the homes, decorating, all the beautiful pictures is fun. Moving is the dark side.”
Then our columnist Karen Eubank got me into Swedish Death Cleaning. I didn’t read the book — already sent Marie Kondo to a book sale — but it’s this: Get rid of your unwanted stuff so your kids don’t have to.
In a nutshell, look at everything in your house. If you don’t love or use it, and if your kids are going to dump it upon your death, get rid of it. I want to spare them the pain I felt sorting through and emptying out my mother’s belongings.
Now Karen and I are both downsizing with full steam. In fact, I haven’t read her story yet for fear of unintentional emulation! So many of our peers are in this passage with us.
My husband Walter and I made the decision to sell early last year. We looked for homes around North Dallas — and wrote about some of them, a whole other story. We even tried to buy a couple. There was very little inventory in the “downsize” market outside of condominiums, and only a handful of zero-lot-line communities in Dallas. Whatever was available was scooped up fast with cash, even in a sluggish market.
That’s one reason why so many Boomer homes are still occupied with Boomers. We have a lot of stuff — more than previous generations, so it’s hard to find good options to downsize to without downgrading our entire life. We’re not dead yet!
Our home on West Ricks Circle is so finely tuned to our needs that it’s impossible to find everything we want: two offices, wine room or storage, safe room, outdoor shower for humans and dogs, large kitchen and entertaining areas, great storage, room for the dogs, and a three-car garage. We fought over square footage every day.
So as I complained in our weekly editorial meetings, Shelby and Karen said, folks, we have a series here: Downsizing Diaries.
As we wind down this adventure, should I survive, I’ll share how I tackled the emotional and logistical aspects of downsizing. Think of it as a guide for anyone moving, downsizing, decluttering, or simply trying to live with less. We’re looking to host seminars featuring the experts I curated — lifesavers, truly. We will be offering out-of-the box suggestions on how to repurpose some of your stuff in a smaller space, if you want. We will even offer psychological advice and comfort.
We FINALLY found a house to purchase. I was made aware of it literally at the owner’s funeral. As you can imagine, everything in my life revolves around crazy real estate stories and dirt. There is a back story to this adventure involving a wonderful builder, Mills Custom Homes. I spent the spring and summer purging to prepare our home to sell. I’m still not close. Dallas Realtor Steven Rosenthal was here the other week for an open house and he said, “Love the house, but you gotta get rid of more s%#@!” Ugh.
One night I sat in my husband’s office — really a library. It is next to my office, with a pocket door between, just doing a little marketing here… and I looked at the four walls loaded with books around me.
Honey, I’m out.
“I cannot do this,” I told my husband. “And I won’t do this. You need my signature to sell this home and I won’t sign it.”
I’ve been talked off the ledge before by Dave Perry-Miller himself, who I called and asked to get me out of a sales contract two houses ago. Then, as now, it was the stuff. That insurmountable challenge of decades of accumulated “stuff” from two kids, a husband, and a busy, fun life.
Why are we so attached to things? Why did I feel I have the responsibility of keeping it all, including, among many other things, my mother’s Lladros (I found out two were fakes!) and that statue from Romania my grandmother brought back from the old country. The one that my sister and I broke one evening, but we glued it so well that she never knew.
My house is veritable a doll orphanage. My childhood dolls were upstairs in my mom’s 1940’s cedar chest I forgot I had. I even have my late sister’s dolls!
The average household has about 300,000 things. I’m sure I have close to a million if you count the Lincoln Logs and Legos.
When it came time to actually list my home on MLS, the photos did me in.
I had pulled photo albums out of the over-stuffed cabinets, bins and boxes upstairs, piled them on my coffee table where they sat for a couple years. I’d look at them and say, I have a headache.
What finally moved the needle? Three miracle workers: Mary Boyle of The Photo Sister, Jamie Curtis of Curtis Custom Movers, and the beautiful Isabel Rodriguez, who helped me navigate the beautiful stone at Texas Counter Fitters.
Mary Boyle came and took those photo albums to scan into a hard drive: I had 12,000 photos, and there are more upstairs.
“When they are gone, you will feel better, I promise,” she told me. And she was right. I had a coffee table and cabinets again.
Jamie Curtis came over, brought boxes and packing tape that wouldn’t break fingernails, outlined a gameplan for storing, and an organized sequential move.
“We don’t just drop it all off at the new house in one day,” he told me, “We’ll take some, let you unpack, come and get the boxes, and take them away before we bring more.”
Moving is hell, he told me, but we will make it as painless as possible.
And the stone? One of the biggest turn-offs when buying an older home is seeing the same-old granite everyone used for countertops 20 years ago. It is awful, depressing, the Debbie Downer of the whole house. That brownish-red stuff or the Absolute Black just makes you want to run.
But then I walked into Texas Counter Fitters’ Richardson showroom for the first time. Wow! Owners Chris Blackburn and Andrew Gilbert have curated a stunning, gallery-like space showcasing more than 200,000 extraordinary stone slabs — more jewelry than surfaces. I wanted to move just to have a new natural stone kitchen. (And just wait until you see the other treasures I couldn’t resist.) Fresh paint, smooth walls and wallpaper are great, but nothing sets the tone like beautiful stone especially in a smaller home where the kitchen is the focal point to just about every room.
Help with the photos, help with the stuff, and the lure of beautiful jeweled countertops all over the house became my moving Geritol.
I Say Goodbye, You Say Hello
Remember how exciting it was to get your first apartment after your first job? Filling your new empty apartment was SO exciting. We had very little — hand-me-downs mostly. (The sick thing is we are still schlepping some of those hand-me-downs.)
Many of you are in the same boat, carrying things from your very first home into your last home. That’s why we launched the Downsizing Diaries.
I will miss our home dearly. Hopefully, we will hand it off to a lucky family for another quarter century of fun memories… in the very best neighborhood in Dallas. And I’ve got some new jewels waiting for me — stay tuned. Ryan Streiff of Dave Perry-Miller Real Estate has listed my home for $4.395 million.
Whether it’s finding a home for family heirlooms, making peace with parting ways, or figuring out what really deserves space in your next chapter, we’ll cover it over the coming weeks with our curated sources in the Downsizing Diaries… as Candy’s head emerges from the real estate weeds.
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That is amazing! I feel like I am going through a very similar experience. There are so many things to sort through! Will I ever go camping in a tent again? Do I need four cases of shotgun shells?
Walter Evans, MD
No!
I feel this in my bones! We moved away from DFW about 2 years ago. We had lived in our home for 21 years. I purged so much stuff! Honestly, I do not miss any of it. However, I do miss my old neighborhood and my friends in the community. We love our new home, which was purchased and furnished with the plan to age in place. I am hoping to get ahead of all those boxes of pictures after I retire. Good luck in your ne adventure!
I am going through the same thing. It hurts to let go. I don’t want to believe I am materialistic but I kind of am. Candy, I appreciate your honesty.
Candy, I met you some time ago. I’m an ASID interior designer that has backed off of work except for old clients who call me. And this is exactly what I’ve been thinking about to help them make good decisions when down-sizing. This is a great purpose. You go girl! Looking forward to new chapters in Downsizing With Style. Joyce Schiska
My comment is above. Again, looking forward to your adventure in downsizing!
I grew up around the corner on Eastview Circle. Loved our neighborhood. Mom had same experiences in the late 1990’s. Now I’m the one who needs to dig out of 26 yrs of my family’s possessions. Hate high rises. No 2000 sq. ft townhomes or zero lot lines where we want to live. I’m the keeper of my grandparents possessions. My late uncle’s and of course my Mom’s. Can’t bear to part. And my kids will come in with a front loader to empty it all if we don’t. Like we did with my in-laws homes. One house took 7 trucks from 1-800-Got Junk! At least you have a great team assisting you. I’ll be reading future columns for your tips.
So glad to hear from you! What a beautiful area and yes, there are too few places to “downsize” to around Dallas. I guess there are some people in families who are the keepers of the stuff, like us. My kids don’t want any of it,not the china, not the silver. I inherited 3 sets of silver flatware! I have 3 granddaughters so I kept one Lladro (authentic) for each. (I sure hope my mom didn’t pay for those fake ones!) The rest I sold. Wait till I write about the dolls: I found a doll hospital in CA and mailed Tiny Tears, Saucy Walker to her. (I’m weirdly protective of my dolls.) This is like responsible downsizing and it takes time and heart. Be sure to read the next posts… I’m making that new home a darn jewel box. Only way to leave my Hillcrest Estates palace!
Congrats on the great progress you’ve made Candy!
I’m sure you’re inspiring your readers to start their own downsizing journeys.
so what did you do with the photo albums after scanning them? Where are the digital images stored and do you have a plan for migrating them periodically to ensure they are accessible
The photoalbums are more stable then the digital images
NO! I will bring Mary in to explain. Even my wedding photos had faded!
Candy, you are incredible. You have an extraordinary life. You are passionate with all you do. You are a Dallas treasure.
You are a love, thank you!
I’ve been on a multi-year downsizing journey and am in the final stretch. I sold my home in Plano to move into my parents’ home by Lake Ray Hubbard to help my elderly mother, where my parents had lived since 1978. For awhile I just put my Plano things in storage. Awhile turned into years. This is $illy, I thought, so I started sorting through my belongings. Then Mom moved into a care home and I began the decluttering in earnest –sorting through their things along with my own — with the eventual goal of moving out of DFW some day. Mom passed away and I paused the decuttering for awhile as part of the grief process, but have resumed it with vigor! I have empty closets and cabinets now, can see the garage floor. One more year of The Great Purge (along with working on the make-ready-to-sell list) and then I’ll fully embrace my next chapter. George Carlin was right when he made fun of our “stuff.”
It does take time… I’m so afraid I’m dumping something at 3 am because I am tired and then I’ll miss it… what really helps is lots of photos. Of course my photos are now sucking more memory off my devices…
I am doing the exact same! I have so much stuff! I have lived in large homes and collected everything. A closet full of cloths and shoes I will never wear again. China, silver, linens… oh God!! Being a realtor and an antique dealer has not made easier!!
Mary, I did a double take because my mother was Mary Fox. Fox is my maiden name. We want to hear your story, please share more!
Dear Candy,
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. May a new family also love your West Ricks Circle home. May you, Walter, and your beloved furry friends enjoy many more long years together, in robust health in your soon-to-be new home!
Sincerely,
Hedda
Mary from The Photo Sister here! Just wanted to reply to PeterK’s earlier comment/questions about Candy’s photo albums, as I’m unable to reply directly to his post.
Great question, Peter! For Candy’s collection, many of the original albums were unfortunately in poor condition when I received them — we’re talking albums from the 70’s/80’s with the adhesive magnetic pages, which are not so kind to your photos over time! The pages themselves were starting to yellow and the sticky residue was actually starting to harm the photos and cause them to warp. To preserve the images safely, I carefully removed the prints, sorted them by date/event, culled what did not need to be preserved (mainly duds and duplicates) and I’m now in the process of digitizing her full collection so that everything is in one secure, accessible place versus spread out across a multitude of albums and bins. The unusable albums were either discarded or donated, depending on their condition. Her digitized collection will ultimately be stored on an external hard drive, which will be securely backed up to the cloud. Many of her original prints (the extra special ones like those from her wedding) will stay preserved as prints, but stored in archival storage boxes that are designed to safely store printed photos. I regularly provide guidance to my clients on how to preserve and maintain their photos across a minimum of 2 forms of backup and encourage them to periodically revisit and migrate their digital collections to new cloud solutions over time, especially as technology evolves — definitely a best practice to ensure long-term accessibility, so thank you for highlighting that in your comments.
Candy – your downsizing chronical rings true for the next stage of life for the baby boomer generation! Keep the stories coming. The rest of us need that moral support. :-). Enjoy your new home and neighborhood!
I’ve been too busy and exhausted to chronicle, but get ready: it’s all coming!