Mimi + Shelby Investigate: The Rhode Island Castle That Practically Screams Murder

Hello my peoples. Today is your lucky day. You are getting a fabulous 2-for-1 deal this week because not only are you getting my world famous witticisms regarding this piece of real estate but my wonderful Executive Editor Shelby Skrhak is getting in on the fun. You are really lucky because Shelby is a renowned murder fan. Sorry, I left out podcast there. She’s a murder podcast fan.

I had no choice but to call in backup. You can smell the house if you take a deep breath. Yeah baby, it’s that good. Not only does it reek of Pall Malls and cheap scotch, but this place participated in the demise of numerous people, maybe.

Yeah Bubba. “Yet” is the key word.

What makes this house a dead ringer (ba dum dum) as a murder house? It is located in the wee state of Rhode Island, and it is known as Kays Castle. We all know castles are drafty. No way the inhabitants avoided catching a wicked chest cold as they were trying to outrun the psycho killers.

Christian Bale is just a little piece of cake isn’t he? I digress.

Come on Shelby, let’s get started.

Can we say “curb appeal?” This is one of the most ominous entrances I have ever seen to a home. I betcha two people were killed before crossing that threshold.

Mimi: Hey Shelby, how many bodies do you think are in those woods?

Shelby: Not counting the ones I already see?

Mimi: Damn, you’re good. Okay, well if I squint real hard, I can see the footprints of the people being chased by a knife-wielding psychopath.

I’m surprised this is not in the description of the property. Come on, let’s go inside.

Mimi: Hey Shelby, in your professional opinion as a murder podcast fan, would the blood stains just blend in with this carpeting?

Shelby: The carpeting in the kitchen, no less. As much as I want to believe this is where the magic happens, I spy grasscloth wallpaper. And as anybody who’s had grasscloth will know, there’s no Magic Eraser on earth that’ll get those stains out. So I don’t think Mr. Boddy was killed here. (You forgot podcast again.)

Mimi: So Shelby, then how many people have successfully fought their way out of a galley kitchen? Personally speaking, I would not put up that much of a fight if I had to look at those turd brown cabinets.

Shelby: Actually, I don’t hate them. Those, with my 1980 Hotpoint oven pictured on the left, I could stay a while. At least there’s an intercom to call Miss Scarlett or Professor Plum for help.

You can smell this room and that’s not a good thing.

Mimi: Now let’s talk aesthetics, shall we? Not only does this have all the makings of a great murder house but the ‘70s stylin’ and grainy photos just really seal the deal. Shelby, can it still be considered a murder podcast house if you have a shag covered spiral staircase that will undoubtedly kill the person who slips?

Shelby: Great question, it cannot. You’re thinking of an involuntary manslaughter house. Different beast altogether.

Mimi: Okay Shelby, which fireplace do you think destroyed the most evidence?

Shelby: Mass or volume? Wider mouth on the latter, but cinematic style on the former. Cue up a Darren Aronofsky score and you’ve got yourself a productive burn party.

Mimi: Hey Shelby, what do you think about this as a fallback career in case this whole writing/editing thing doesn’t work out for us?

Shelby: [Nods, distracted looking at the MLS listing.]

Mimi: Okay, I’ve got one more. This absolutely will prove that this house is murder podcast quality.

This is the prototypical bathroom for the killer to go to so they can “wash up” only to stare at themselves. Look at that wallpaper. I imagine the first person they killed was the person who picked it out. That’s all I have for now, my peoples. Do you have any parting words Shelby, my murder fan friend?

Shelby: You forgot the most damning feature in my mind! The built-in mass grave/covered pool.

Mimi: [Face turns pale and eyes grow wide.]

Shelby: And you forgot podcast again.

See more of this Rhode Island castle listed for $425,000.