The Real Estate Gods Designed a New York Home Worthy of Praising the Heavens

There are times when the real estate gods look upon me with their benevolent eyes and grant me a gift. It does not happen often but when angels sing and the real estate gods reach down their boney hands and design a house that truly fits the epitome of WTF then I have no choice but to accept their gift and do my best by said house, so sayeth the lord.

Previous homes that have fallen into this category include the Barry White house, the Elmo house, and the Skittles house. The carpeting, the floor-to-ceiling mirrors, the conversation pits, etc. They have it all and they are glorious. The real estate gods were generous, I tell you.

Once again, they have out done themselves. The agency representing the home featured in this week’s column is Bizzarro Real Estate Agency. No kidding. I am not creative enough to come up with that name. The real estate gods are funny. Never again will I come across such a name in this industry. Bizzarro. Let us begin.

I must say, that is a very nice placement for the bar because while the view is incredible, the ceiling is most definitely in “oy vey” territory. It turns out those are ceiling baffles and I couldn’t agree more with the whole baffle part. I would be negligent if I did not say just how much I love BIZZARRO being in all caps and in a really large font. Talking about large…

Hubba, hubba, hubba… Why hello sir. How are you this fine evening?

Real estate gods… am I right?

I am running full tilt, toward that couch, launching myself over the table so I can flop on the end of said couch as I watch myself in that mirror. And yes, I am fully aware that I would not be the first person to have done such a move.

The terminator could be standing in that kitchen and you would never see him.

To the bathrooms.

Now, on the one hand, the bathroom does match the couch. But on the other hand, what the hell? 

I think the confusion is the desired effect. One more.

“We’re on a mission from God.” Come on, you knew I had to quote the best movie ever made. Okay I’ve saved the best for last.

It’s as though we have entered the matrix. There’s going to be a lot of action in this room and I’m not talking about Kung Fu. BIZZARRO. Thank you real estate gods. Until next time…

Located in the city so nice they named it twice, this New York apartment is priced at $2.5 million.