If You Want To Sell Your Home, Hide This One Thing

When you’re preparing your home to sell, there are certain things on the checklist.

Clear the countertops – yes, all of them. Yeah, it does look naked to you, but it won’t in pictures. Declutter like a motherf**ker. Everyone loves to stash stuff in the garage and shove stuff in closets. I once saw toys hidden behind a shower curtain in the bathtub. A better idea? Invest in a storage unit.

The No. 1 reason people move? They want more space. If they tour your home and it’s busting at the seams, they’ll think, “Well, gee, this one doesn’t have any more space than the one we’re in now. Better not buy it.” Or so the psychology goes.

Take down personal photos. People want to see themselves in your home. Not the Olin Mills from ‘88.

Remove religious artifacts. That’s the wrong word, but you get the gist.

In Texas, remove any team memorabilia. Y’all know we’re nuts, right?

It also goes without saying that you should probably remove anything political. Everyone likes neutral colors. And also, neutral homes.

You know what one thing isn’t on the checklist of things to store? SQUATTY POTTYS. And for the love, people, please hide them. Literally every time someone sees one, they’re reminded they’re buying your gently used turd toilet. It’s unsettling at best. Gag-inducing at worst.

Here’s another one – stash your Tushys. Not your actual rear ends, but those clip-on bidets that have become the rage and according to Jason Bateman of Smartless (and some other stuff, too), shoot a geyser up your keister.

Guess what? NO ONE WANTS TO THINK OF YOU AND YOUR BUTT AND YOUR BUTT BUSINESS WHEN THEY’RE LOOKING FOR A NEW HOME.

It’s a real trend, gang, and we need to shut it down. While we’re at it, let’s tuck away those Cottonelle Flushable Wipes, too. Because we all know your little doodoo hands have been all over them.

You know one time I came across a listing where “bidet” was listed under the exclusions. Like, really? Ya think? I’m totally okay with a pre-owned home, but that generosity doesn’t extend to a pre-owned Fanny Fountain.

The end.

Hide your Squatty Pottys.

Please.