Iowa FSBO Listing Is Both Honest and Funny

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FSBO

Sometimes, for some reason, people decide to sell their houses themselves. Having bought and sold plenty of houses, I can tell you that the thought of doing an FSBO makes me want to die a little inside, but for some, I am sure it works to varying degrees of success.

And it’s kind of a rarity to see a FSBO listing that looks as good as a Realtor’s work. I mean, yes, this entire Wednesday WTF weekly feature is rife with Realtors who uh, can’t Realtor, but by and large, you hire a Realtor and you can reasonably expect that he or she has at least advised their seller of what they’d need to do to make a house sell for the best price — staging, good photography, what to highlight, etc.

Today, though, I’d like to showcase the work of a homeowner in Bettendorf, Iowa, who gets an A-plus for honesty and at least a B-plus for bringing the funny in their FSBO listing.

Here’s the “romance”:

This spacious, 3-bedroom single-family home located on a cul-de-sac in the heart of the Pleasant Valley School District is beautiful, unique, and comes with joint custody of awesome neighbors and possibly a few deer. They don’t eat much (the deer…not saying anything about the neighbors).

This home, which one of my daughter’s friends calls, “the coolest tree-house ever”, is on a half acre, treed lot and is perfect for any family, or more specifically, YOUR family. Just, you know, buy it before you move in or it’s going to be awkward.

Lots of birds will come and hang out with you as you enjoy coffee on any one of three decks, and they will scold you vehemently if you forget to feed them. Or make you feel guilty. The cardinals are excellent at guilt-trips.

The kitchen is huge with stainless steel appliances and granite countertops–it can easily fit three adults all trying to make different dishes, the dog anxiously waiting for anyone to drop bacon, multiple teenagers doing their homework on their laptops at the eat-in bar, and the toddler next door. Also note the kitchen storage is insane-I actually had to go buy things to fill the cabinets because empty cabinets require shopping trips. I can write this into the home contract if anyone needs it.

All the bedrooms are on the top floor and are large. One of the bedrooms can fit up to five teenage girls who squeal most of the night and NEVER EVER SLEEP, and the other can host a teenager boy, two of his friends, a large screen TV and a PlayStation and if you just shove pizza under the door, you won’t see them for weeks (don’t worry, we make them shower frequently and check them for signs of life on a regular basis). The Master Bedroom is large with a private bath and has its own deck that you can hide from your kids on.

Also note if you have teens, they can walk to Pleasant Valley High School from here. It builds character.

There are two full baths upstairs, and a half bath on the main floor (that one is for guests and please don’t actually use the hand towels as they are for decorative purposes only-use the paper towels under the sink). There is also a half-bath in the downstairs laundry room which The Husband uses so he can achieve privacy and claim he doesn’t hear the kids fight. There’s a non-conforming unfinished fourth bedroom in the basement (it makes up the entire basement-it’s not a large unfinished basement) that The Husband uses for his office, again so he can claim he doesn’t hear the kids.

This home boasts an over-sized 2-car garage with plenty of storage. Currently it maintains two vehicles, the mandatory garage fridge stocked with Busch Lite (because, you know, #Iowa), a large freezer, a lawn mower, an over-sized snow blower (again, because #Iowa), lots of boxes that haven’t been opened since Clinton was in office, four bicycles, a kayak and a 11-crates of costumes from my community theater days-if you want a Medieval Knight outfit complete with a sword or a full-size chicken suit, I got you.

All offers will be considered and all visitors will be given a free roll of toilet paper. Unless there’s another shortage. In which case, there are a lot of leaves outside because #trees.

Also please note if you would like to see this property in the latter part of November or any part of December, the interior looks like, as my son put it, “Santa and a Snowman had a baby and it threw up everywhere.”

We like Christmas.

Now, the house itself is perfectly serviceable and has some pretty nice views. It’s clean, has a large kitchen and plenty of space. It has a large back deck perfect for entertaining. The bedrooms are big, too.

FSBO

The photography could be better, but it’s still light years ahead of some of the photos we’ve shown you in the Wednesday WTF before.

But honestly, if you’re going to go the FSBO route, being funny and candid without being dumb is probably the best route to take, right? After all, it got some random writer in Dallas, Texas, to write about a listing in Iowa.

Want to see more of the listing, which they say is priced $25,000 lower than the appraised value? Here you go.

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Adlene Neely Dealey

Adlene has been a real estate writer for the better half of a decade, but only recently came to CandysDirt.com to write our Wednesday WTF column. Have a doozy of a listing not fit for public consumption? She wants to see it.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Bill says

    This is without a doubt one of the funniest and most cleverly written listing I’ve ever seen. I would love to meet the owners as you know they must be a blast to be around just from what they wrote. This made my day.

  2. Tiffany says

    As the author of this listing, I would just like to point out that this property description is what happens when you sit down at your computer, after drinking half a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon, and wonder who actually reads property descriptions to begin with..

    For those wonderful people who think I would be an awesome friend, I would like to assure them I totally am. I have references if anybody needs them.

    This house sold in five days and got four offers on it. We just signed yesterday. I have also decided I may quit my day job and just focus on writing property descriptions. I can get paid in wine.

    • mmJoanna England says

      This thrills me that you commented! We definitely think the romance sold the property … that and the basement retreat where you can’t hear the loud teenagers! Congratulations on your sale!

    • mmCandy Evans says

      Tiffany, consider joining the staff of CandysDirt.com. We are growing like crazy, especially now with Covid. Online is the future, and we have oh so much wine to offer…

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