Last week, Tim Rogers over at D Magazine demonstrated his creative brilliance by writing a sort-of real estate story/conversation: “A totally very real conversation between a husband and wife who fled the West Coast fires and settled in Preston Hollow.” Whatever you want to call it — satire or snark — it was a swipe at Preston Hollow and it spurred my neurons.
You see, there was a naughty map a Realtor gave me several years ago. The “interview” encouraged me to dig out that map, “Judgemental Map, Dallas.”
In 2014, Austin comedian Trent Gillaspie created these maps, replacing neighborhood names with funny, non PC, offensive (but sometimes accurate!) descriptions. And they are not limited to Texas. Gillaspie, a Denver native, created the Denver map originally but solicited friends to make others. A dude named A. Nudle Watson (no kidding) is credited with creating the Dallas Map. D also wrote about the maps, ijs.
Since real estate is our deal 24/7, we are naturally drawn into any “characterization(s)” of a Dallas neighborhood. Thus we decided to jump right into the pool. Or, as it were, the Lake.
Hunter: We moved to Dallas from the Peninsula.
Paisley: Not Atherton, but right across the street.
Hunter: We had a really great home, almost 1,200 square feet, a three/one we stole for $2.9. We all shared one bath but had great views and a great terrace which is where we have basically lived these past few months. The kitchen was a little dated, but it was really nice.
Paisley: I’m over the George Foreman. Hunter is a finance guy on Sand Hill Road.
Hunter: Yeah, we invest some of the top tech movers but I cannot drop names. We totally love the Peninsula, the climate is perfect and Paisley and I walk the Dish every weekend. But this year was too much. There was all the smoke from the fires, which was awful. Had to stay inside! I mean, we can’t even use our fireplace, it’s against California law, but then the forests can burn up half the state because of a damn gender reveal party.
Paisley: No fireworks at our gender reveal!
Hunter: We’re pregnant (giving Paisley a hug). No fireworks! Though I’d love to have a live Falafel station. Maybe Draegers can still cater the party… which will have to be in the backyard, right?
Paisley: Right. Blue and pink organic bamboo masks, six feet apart! No, even though we moved, we are still very concerned about climate change, the shrinking coastlines, less sand on the beach for beach parties, and the cost of property insurance.
Hunter: And earthquakes! Try paying earthquake insurance on top of California taxes!
Paisley: Confidentially, maybe I shouldn’t say this but… our financial advisor told us that… with the baby coming… we should look at a state with no income taxes. That’s the real reason for the move. I mean the cost of private school in Menlo Park… I went to Plano West. A public school! So I know Texas.
Hunter: Why can’t you just say, you grew up in Plano? It’s been great for Toyota. I haven’t been to the office since March 13, when everything shut down. We turned the guest room into my office and I love working from home. So it was like, if I can work from home, if she can work from home, why are we staying here and paying all these taxes and choking?
Paisley: I mean, my closet in Atherton — I mean, across the street from Atherton — was the size of one of those tornado shelters we saw at Lowes. (We need to go get one.)
Hunter: The tornados! Now that’s scary. Maybe scarier than the earthquakes.
Paisley: We looked everywhere, all on line, of course: Oak Cliff, Lakewood, Preston Hollow, even Westlake — wow! Those homes are huge! Hunter thought they were airplane hangers!
Hunter: No I didn’t, I’ve golfed at Vaquero. We flew in for the day with a client a few years back. Great caddies. I know all about the homes and the security. Which is awesome.
Paisley: Yeah, we are looking for more security. I mean, we were broken into twice in two years Atherton — I mean across the street from Atherton. And don’t take a car into the city! If it is not broken into it’s pooped on. Look at what happened to our Lexus in San Fran!
Problem is that so many of the super wealthy just hire their own private security, like Sheryl Sandberg and the Zucker. And so many car accidents because everyone is toked up on “medicinal weed.” We were worried the nanny would get high.
Hunter: But we also wanted character. Which Oak Cliff sure had. Plus trees and cliffs. Love Pill Hill.
Paisley: Maybe too much character… but lots of chickens (we only eat farm-to-table fresh eggs).
Hunter: Everyone at the office on Zoom told us two words, “Park Cities”. And Bistro 31, ha! It was like Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate. But I went to this little school in Boston…
Paisley: He went to Harvard. (Rolls eyes.) Just spill it. Yeah, Park Cities just didn’t seem very (whispers) diverse. Nice, but cookie cutter.
Hunter: Like Draeger’s $15 apiece per cookie cookie-cutter.
Paisley: So we bought in Preston Hollow. Love it: one-half acre, trees, creeks, so many great grocery stores, Northaven Trail, and no sidewalks — just like Atherton.
Hunter: We are not in entire agreement on this, but Paisley also assures me we are nowhere near “W”.
Paisley: Oh shush. Preston Hollow is perfect. I saw Laura the other day. SHE wears a mask! And we can actually have fires in our outdoor fireplace!
Paisley: Street racers.
Hunter: Yeah, what is that all about? Took over Inwood and Royal on July 4th! Speaking of Royal, still a lot of damage from last year’s tornado, kind of tacky. Maybe we should have snagged one of those lots.
Paisley: No way! Karma! We were also really turned off by all the Trump signs…
Hunter: Speak for yourself!
Paisley: Don’t get me started! (Don’t say he voted for Trump, some of our Cali neighbors might see this on Insta.) The Democrats really handled the pandemic so much better. I mean, look at California!
Hunter: Yeah, Nancy Pelosi gets a haircut and Gavin Newsome goes to a friend’s birthday party while we can’t go back to see my parents for Thanksgiving without quarantining for 2 weeks!
Paisley: Stop! He apologized. Maybe we should have just gone ahead and bought in Lakewood. So crunchy. You know that cute school with the funny name?
Hunter: Stoned Something Andrew Jackson? You cannot be serious?
Paisley: Totally. Sell Preston Hollow. You remember when we got lost and ended up in Meadowsweet, across from San Quentin?
Hunter: Yes, what’s your point? Wait, you’re kidding right?
Paisley: Look at this way, I will save tons on no waxing, makeup, hair, nails, Nordstrom’s… and when you offset the cost for a mosquito system, iron window railings and gun classes, we’ll still be way ahead.
Hunter: I may hang back in Atherton while you get situated.
Paisley: Across the street… from Atherton.