It’s day 333.9594teadfasd of this shelter in place thing, and I think I’m doing A-OK. I do have some questions though. You guys good with questions?
First, I need to know if wine comes in anything bigger, like a water cooler. If not, why not? Somebody get on this.
No really, why don’t they make wine bigger? Big wine. Need big wine.
Why are you people in, ahem, certain wealthy enclaves of Dallas -— you know who you are — still having crawfish boils and birthday parties for grown people who can understand disappointment? Are you trying to wipe out all the wealth? Do you like coughing so hard you pee your pants even if you HAVEN’T had a baby before? Do you enjoy fever dreams?
STAY INSIDE, PEOPLE. Keep it up, and this is your next party scene.
Third question (I think, I’ll be honest, I’m not counting) – why do our elected officials apparently not have phones to call each other with? Gov. Abbott, drop some digits on your boy Clay. Mayor Eric, maybe call Clay Jay and say, “Hey, I heard this wacky thing, are you doing this wacky thing?”
I mean, I may just be a real estate writer who is prematurely aging, but this just seems like a thing you should do.
Fourth question: Why can’t I stop touching my face, when I don’t recall really NEEDING to recreationally touch my face before?
Sixth question: Why are all the avocado commercials during Better Call Saul in Spanish (I didn’t say these would all be good questions)?
Who is the person buying all the hand sanitizer and Lysol at midnight every night, and can we find this person and cut their Internet access off so that I can suitably walk the earth with a vapor cloud of sanitizing spray surrounding me when I go to Kroger, SINCE PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW HOW TO STAY SIX FEET AWAY FROM ANYONE even when there are only 10 people in the whole store?
I think I exhausted my questions for now. Do you have any? Fire them off in the comments. Wash your hands first, please.