The Krypton-Red Home That Would Test Even Superman’s Super (Handsome) Strength

The Gusman and I have had the pleasure of getting to travel around this country of ours. One of our more interesting trips was to Alaska. The natural beauty was super. I am so glad that is a state I got to see. The people, however, are bongo bananas. You know who would agree with me on that assessment? Superman.

You see the Alaska home featured in this week’s column is decorated in the same color as you would find on the red sun of Krypton. We all know that Kryptonite is a huge buzz kill for Superman. So yeah, me and Superman are together on the “Alaskans are bongo bananas” train.

I’m just going to be throwing in gifs of Henry Cavill throughout this column because he is a straight up super hottie and, oh yeah, he’s played the titular role of Superman. You’re welcome. I digress.

The home featured in this week’s column would not only test Superman’s sense of humor but also his ability to handle a Krypton-red home. Consider this your warning to go get some sunglasses because you will need to protect your eyesight. You don’t want to miss any of these gifs.

Hi!

I felt everyone’s shudder. As if you weren’t smart enough to figure it out on your own, this home is a “for sale by owner” and believe me when I say it lives up to that hype. 

“Customized my own blue prints when I bought the place… I made a secret room and had the dirt dug out from underneath the garage and made a stone room with a wine cellar in it.”

I’m confused too, my little dumpling.

If you want to look at the positive, you will get an incredible suntan living here 24/7/365.

Now what’s super sad is that the owner did not take a picture of his wine cellar. But that’s fine. “I ended up making a closet out of the wine cellar area because I just got sick of people’s drinking period.”

I know, it is super meh to eliminate a wine cellar you dug out under your garage. Freaking Alaska.

The colon coming out of the loft is a slide for the kids assuming they survive climbing the ladder to get into said loft. If you thought you’d get a reprieve from the madness in the bedroom you’d be wrong.

I’m not mad, Superman. You’re silly. He’s so coy. The dude in Alaska, on the other hand, bongo bananas.

There is one picture of the bathroom.

“All bathrooms are beautifully tiled with either Italian imports or just pretty stone tile I liked, metallic slate, etc.” I got nothing.

The description ends with: “Hate to sell it but I’m almost always in Kenai when in Alaska now so I’ve decided to try to just slowly sell it and see what happens “by owner.” And I need to get these disrespectful tenants out.”

What! You need help with disrespectful tenants? That sounds like a job for…

I don’t know about you but I really, really liked this column. It’s the best looking column I’ve ever written. My goodness…

This 2,400 square-foot Alaska home is listed for $850,000.