This Home Is Many Things But a Brick Colonial Is Not One of Them

One of the best movies ever made is The Princess Bride. So many classic lines came out of that movie. The line I use the most is said by Inigo Montoya: “You keep on using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” Now as much as I hate to drag one of the best movies into this week’s WTF column, I am compelled to do so.

The listing agent describes this week’s house as a “Brick Colonial.” Oh wait, they describe it as a Masterpiece Brick Colonial. It is at this point that I say, “You keep on using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” The words in question are Brick Colonial.

Believe me when I say, the house featured in this week’s column is brick but it’s no Colonial. On its best day, it is a repurposed power station.

Now that is an accurate representation of this Wauwatosa, Wisconsin house.

The only thing missing is the buzz, buzz from the yellow volts of electricity surging to and from this house. This self-proclaimed brick Colonial is 3,480 square feet with three bedrooms, one and a half bathrooms, a basement, and a detached garage. The owners are asking $400,445. But brick Colonial? 

The half bathroom is located downstairs off the living room. Imagine the family sitting around watching a movie, and Grandpa comes out of the home office bathroom in his slightly ajar bathrobe. The best you can hope for at that point is that Grandpa did some filing while he sat on the pot.

In the “Large Spacious Kitchen,” they have exiled the microwave.

The poor thing is on the outside looking in, hoping one day it will be allowed to be in the kitchen with all the other appliances.

Then there’s the flooring.

There are four different floor designs in one small area. 

Being the responsible person that I am, I recommend that you take some Dramamine before our next stop, the primary bedroom.

You feel as though you are floating along the Pacific right? It is just you, holding onto your small bed as the blue/green waves bob you along.

Now the other bathroom reminds me of a story.

My sister had a Blue Heeler named Max who had a five foot vertical leap. As you sat on the pot in the bathroom, this dog would run to the window and jump up and down. There you were, taking care of business, and Max would be bouncing up and down at the window, just so he could see you. In this house though, neither Max nor the neighbors have to work so hard to see your business because the window is level with the commode.

I dare say that ‘ol Russell Crowe looks more “Brick Colonial” than this house.

To see more photos of this Wisconsin home, check out the listing here.