Alas! A Florida Home That Can Save People From Spider Monkeys and Hot Flashes

Summer is always a perilous time for my marriage. I am a 56-year-old menopausal woman who battles hot flashes like a ninja trained spider monkey. Spider monkeys are 3-foot-tall primates who often become violent toward humans who try to domesticate them. The only thing missing at the end of the definition is “or are going through menopause.” Needless to say, spider monkeys and I are nearly identical.

Let’s see, where was I? Summer, hot flashes, spider monkeys, marriage, bingo! My marriage to the Gusman always enters a danger zone during summer because he spends these months talking about how hot he is. The poor man is completely oblivious to how close his dance with death is when he tells me he’s hot all the while I am on fire. 

All this prelude brings me to the home featured in this week’s column. I believe with all of my spider monkey heart, that our marriage would be safe in this house. Allow me to explain.

This lovely four-bedroom, three-bath home is actually an ice palace. I dare say, it is perfect for menopausal women. Located at 4690 Laurel Oak Ln Northeast, Saint Petersburg, Florida, the home is 2,790 square feet in size and sits on almost half an acre. The owners are asking $1.3 million.

The house is filled with white Italian marble, floor to ceiling mirrors, and super white leather furniture. I have little doubt that laying on that marble floor would be akin to laying on a floor made of ice. Glorious!

Even the kitchen lighting is meant to bring down the temperature. 

With a new 5-ton air conditioning system installed this year, I can imagine being as cold as this guy.

That is the dream, am I right my sister spider monkeys?

What is a Florida home without a pool? This design borders on genius. It is covered so you don’t have direct sunlight or bugs, and there is a bar in the middle of the pool. You can go for a swim and then go sliding across all that cold Italian marble like a seal at Seaworld.

Yes, I do believe this house could save my marriage at least until we change seasons. It would allow me to use my hot flashes for good instead of evil.

To see more photos of this Arthur Rutenberg Mediterranean-style single-story home, visit the listing on Realtor.com.