Hate Leg Day? This Split Level in Illinois Will Mean You’ll Never Have to Do Another Squat

There are some mean people in this world. I am not talking about the name calling kind of mean people. I am talking about the “I’m gonna mess you up” kind of mean people. I put it before all of you that these types of hateful souls should not design homes.

Do not be fooled by Kermit. If he designed the house featured in this week’s column, then trust me, he is a mean little motor scooter. Now, in an effort to find a positive to this house, here it is: you will never have to do a “leg day” at the gym ever again.

This deceptively pleasant-looking home is located at 312 N Washington Street, Westmont, Illinois. It has four bedrooms, four bathrooms, and is a little more than 3,000 square feet in size. Sitting on almost half an acre, the owners are asking $849,900. 

Now between you, me, and the lighthouse, I have an issue with the front steps. They are really wide so you only have access to one handrail. Then when you reach the bottom you are stepping into the little pebbles that are equivalent to stepping into quicksand. But okay, let us put a pin in that and move on to the interior.

So you come in and your front door bumps your closet door. You have a staircase waiting for you right in front and then there is the little door that leads to the land of hobbits? And oh yeah, you have to step up to get to the little door but you cannot stand upright or you will hit your head. 

OK, so you decide to come in the side door but once again you are faced with stairs. If you choose to not go up the stairs you are dealing with a pit trap. Are there jungle animals racing through the house and forcing them to step down and step up in the middle of the floor will slow them down? What is going on here?

Okay, I am going to be brutally honest. If I come through that door I am just chunking my groceries from the doorway, over the pit trap, into, hopefully, the kitchen.

My God, the thought of having to step in and out of the pit trap and then up another set of stairs to get to the kitchen to put away said groceries makes me homicidal.

Doing all these stairs removes the necessity for leg day at the gym, just sayin’. But if you want to add some cardio to go along with leg day then let us go outside.

So. Many. Levels. You come out of the backdoor and you have to step up. If you want to sit on your outdoor couch you have to step up. 

There is only one solution to a house like this one.

You are going to need that third leg to track down and beat up the mean person who designed this house.

For more photos go here.