What Happens When a Realtor Runs Out of Ways To Describe a Home?

Describing a beautiful house is easy. “Stunning,” “stunner,” “must-see,” “won’t last” and on and on. It’s easy and effortless to describe those homes.

I mean, sure, we all run out of ways to say “thoughtfully updated,” “designer touches,” “gold-plated toilet,” etc. But what happens when *record scratch* you get that one home that needs a little verbal nudging? When you need to paint a picture with possibilities?

Well, I’m a writer and a Realtor, so I was basically put here on Earth to help. Basically. 

Carpet in The Bathroom

I had a friend recently ask what’s with carpet in the bathrooms? Well, you kind and gentle and simple young man, that’s just the way it used to be. So plush and padded under your sopping wet feet. Nowadays we know that’s a bit of a bacteria breeder so we’re into tile. But if you do find yourself with a carpeted bathroom, why not spin it? Let’s call it a “room-sized rug.” Oh, I like that. Sounds so custom.

And not at all crusty. 

What about wood paneling? You might think “Oh that’s dated.” BUT YOU’RE WRONG. What’s really happening there is “return to nature in your significant study with walls made of premium drywall substitute.”

How about Formica? Seems like a bit of a hurdle, huh? Not when you call it what it is “space age and from the future, says 1960s magazine!!”

I’ve also recently seen wallpaper on every single wall in the kitchen including the ceiling. But it’s funny I should mention that because it was really a “picture perfect 360 panoramic.” It’s art, fools. Like the good stuff with a floral repeat in the most delightful shade of dusty rose.

Remember cultured marble? Sure you do, it was likely on the vanity of the house you grew up in. That’s why it’s a “classic tumbled marble to transport you to a time when Carrara Marble was just a twinkle of a slab in its mother’s eye.” 

What about appliances that AREN’T stainless steel? We call those Heaven because try to come at them with your fingertip smudges. (Seriously, though, I hate you, stainless steel.)

Janky layout? “Twist and turn your way through this delightful maze of a home where a surprises greets you around every corner.” And maybe that surprise is a primary bathroom with a full-size washer and dryer, no partition and a door that opens to the garage all in the same (THE SAME) space, but *confetti toss* SURPRISE.

Carpet removed with no replacement? How about “This concrete floor (from the foundation) not only wears well, it’s the perfect blank canvas for all your throw rugs. Layer not one, but twenty because let’s face it, folks, there’s a lot of floor!!”

What if a house has the original…everything? Instead of telling people to “bring their design ideas,” what if we simply called it un-updated? And sold it like it was a good thing? Um, have you seen that un-updated two-story? It’s SO IRONIC AND COOL.

I mean, if we, as a culture, made Cottage Core cool, surely we can do the same for some questionable houses, right? *Looks pleadingly at heavily, heavily textured walls.* Right!!