The Grass (And The Carpet) Are Greener in Vermont

Sometimes, as frequent Wednesday WTF readers know, we find a house that looks very lovely and normal from the curb – like the Vermont home we are going to take a gander at this week.

This home was built just shortly after the Revolutionary War, which is what happened the first time people in America spilled British tea to teach them a lesson (the second time being earlier this week when Harry and Megan sat down with Oprah).

The listing says:

“This is a quintessential Vermont property! Beautiful 3,000 square foot farm house built in 1789, surrounded by 29 acres of open and wooded land, including a babbling brook behind the house, maple sugarbush, pond, trout stream and rolling meadows with beautiful mountain views. The farm house has been partially updated and is ready for your finishing touches to make it a truly spectacular home.”

What the listing doesn’t tell you is that this home was once redecorated, sometime in the late ’60s, early ’70s, if I had to hazard a guess.

And what resulted is what would happen if John Adams got in a time machine, went forward 200 years, then dropped some acid and murdered some muppets to make carpet.

Do you doubt me? If so, why? Have I ever presented anything other than the clear, unvarnished, WTFery?

So as you can see, there are some historically-charming touches that you should definitely keep, but maybe clean up and care for.

And some other things that definitely need updating — like getting rid of that carpet (I’m willing to bet there is hardwood beneath), and painting and cleaning. I’d also gut that tiny kitchen and expand it into this dining area, which is super long.

But uh, then we have two bedrooms (and their en-suites) that are definitely not from the 1700s.

“That’s not horrible,” you may be thinking. “The bathroom floor can be stripped, and the carpet can be ripped up, and the rest is new cabinetry, plumbing fixtures, and paint.”

OK. Sure. But we still have one more bedroom.

Again, you’re probably thinking that I’m overreacting. But have I shown you the bathroom?

We have gone on record about our feelings regarding the carpet in the bathroom. But this bathroom raises so many questions, such as:

• How many times did the owners accidentally fall backward into the tub while brushing their teeth or shaving?
• How many times did they trip in the night and crack their faces open trying to get to the toilet?
• Did they raise the floor to accommodate the sunken tub (which might explain why the window starts at the floor)?
• Why?
• No seriously, why?

Want to see more of this Vermont time warp? Here ya go.