Hey, did you just become a homeschool parent by surprise? Are you also, thanks to the coronavirus, working from home? Are both of those things supposed to happen at the same time?
No seriously, can someone tell me if those two things are supposed to happen at the same time?
If you, like me, have children who can’t hear you when you speak in request, this time may be troubled and fraught with a lot of breathing into bags and whisper screaming in the linen closet.
But don’t worry, I’ve come up with the perfect drink pairing for each of the places you’ll want to hide and count to 120,000 during this time of forced togetherness with the same people who farted on your pillow last night and dropped an entire roll of our nation’s new currency into the toilet “by accident” yesterday, who you are also supposed to homeschool.
Place: The Pantry
Drink: The Mooooooooooooooom
If you’re in the pantry, that’s where the food is, and they’re gonna find you, so you need a quick drink. Try ½ apple juice and ½ that Goldschlager someone brought the last time you had a house party, which was before you had kids, and your kid is now 12, in a shot glass. Drink fast.
Place: The Linen Closet
Drink: Straight tequila in Country Time Lemonade, highball glass
Listen, let’s face it -— nobody in your house knows where the linen closet is but you. Towels are things that appear like magic and disappear once you throw them, wet, on the bathroom floor. You can drink there for a very long time. But this is also the age of Amazon Fresh only having half your order, so you’re gonna need to bust into that lemonade powder you bought that one time for a camping trip and never opened because it’s powdered lemonade. Homeschool and working from home await, but not until you are properly prepared.
Place: The Cleaning Closet
Drink: Double vodka tonics in a Yeti tumbler
Friends, your family will never find you here, but it’s also the furthest from the ice.
Place: Walk-in Closet
Drink: Airport bottles of booze
Need a drink that you can down fast, but fits in your pocket? Airport bottles of booze.
Place: Out in the Open
Drink: All the Wine
Wine says you’re still classy, even when you’ve given up. And even when it’s 11 a.m. However, your family might be on to you if you’re drinking straight from the bottle — so pour it into a cup. I like the 32-ounce yellow one from Dickey’s.
In all seriousness, though, we’re glad you’re taking this shared responsibility to slow the transmission of COVID-19 seriously. Thank you for doing your part, and bottoms up.
Did you miss last week’s Wednesday WTF? Here ya go.