Have Y’all Really Only Started Washing Your Hands This Week?

We’re taking a break from the usual macular atrocities of the Wednesday WTF to ask one specific question: Have you all really only started washing your hands this week?

I mean, personally I’ve been washing my hands like I’m about to scrub in on Grey’s Anatomy and poke my finger in a brain for a long time, so I’m not sure if this is just me.

But judging from the comments I’m seeing on social media, and the sheer volume of explainers on handwashing, I can only think that some of you all are dirty, dirty people who didn’t regularly wash your hands.

Good god, y’all, wash your hands, and continue doing that until you die. Don’t stop two months from now when we’ve moved on to West Nile.

Now, the general advice is to wash your hands with soap and water for 20 seconds. You can sing a robust round of “Happy Birthday,” but everyone is doing that.

Thankfully, there is a website for that – WashYourLyrics.com. Simply enter your favorite song and artist into the site, and it will produce a poster that pairs handwashing instructions with your song for the precise amount you’d need to sing to be sparkly clean and not a raging germ flinger that will kill all you shake hands with.

We’ve picked a couple of songs to get you started.

Now, we do know that sometimes you’re not near soap and water – like when you’re in the jungle, or that one part of U.S. Highway 35 between Lewisville and whatever comes after Lewisville. For that, you need a hand sanitizer that has at least 60 percent alcohol to kill all the cooties.

But if you have had trouble finding hand sanitizer because everyone panicked and bought it all (good luck trying to sell your house in a year with 500 flats of Germ-X in your garage, Linda), word is you can make it with 90 percent alcohol and some aloe vera gel.

Only, word also is that bottles of 90 percent alcohol are becoming scarce, too, because of Linda. Don’t be Linda. 

So some have turned to booze — and not to drink and forget about the coronavirus as I thought initially — but to make hand sanitizer, which just seems wrong and probably alcohol abuse.

Titos came right out and said their vodka isn’t strong enough to make effective hand sanitizer.

So if that has you super bummed, we did the homework for you. Here are six boozes that you can use to make hand sanitizer, you heathens.

• Hapsburg Gold Label Premium Reserve Absinthe, 89.9 percent alcohol
• River Antoine Royale Grenadian Rum, 90 percent alcohol
• Bruichladdich X4 Quadrupled Whiskey, 92 percent alcohol
• Everclear, 95 percent alcohol
• Golden Grain (look for it wherever fine spirits for hobos are sold), 95 percent alcohol
• Spirytus, 96 percent alcohol

For the record, I think just keeping some soap and a bottle of water around would be more advisable, since you need to save your alcohol for when you check your 401K.

But mostly, stay home if you’re sick, wash your hands, wipe down frequently-touched things in your house with disinfectant, and don’t touch your face. Try not to touch people (now and just as a general rule because you don’t know where they’ve been).

Now is also a great time to come up with a different way to greet people in a business setting other than handshaking. Try throwing in a curtsy after closing. Or maybe a dance-off after a showing. 

How’s everyone dealing with coronapolooza? Have a favorite song? Sound off in the comments.