So sometimes you find a fixer and you think, “Oh, maybe there’s shiplap,” or “maybe there are hardwoods under that vinyl,” or “maybe Satan lives here.” This week’s Wednesday WTF is a reader-submitted Tudor, and is definitely a contender for a hot new HGTV show called “Beelzebub’s Baseboards.”
No? How about “Lucifer and Liens?” “Mephistopheles the Mason?” Oh, wait, I know — “Diablo and Bob,” a light-hearted home restoration show featuring the King of Hell and Bob Vila patiently showing novice viewers how to rebuild historic homes with a combination of current technology and historic technique.
Basically, I love reader suggestions because it means you like us and because it means my search history is safe for one more week.
This listing in Kings Mountain, North Carolina, seems like a great find at first blush. It’s four bedrooms and two baths, with 3,116 square feet of pentagram space. It’s listed for what seems like a reasonable $229,000 and change.
Now, the description might give one pause, I suppose. “No septic report on file w/Health Dept. Sells as-is.”
Not to bring up poop for the second week in a row, but this seems important.
“Main level believed heated by gas boiler,” the listing continues. Believed? I’m going to try that sometime.
“I believe this is the calorie-free cheesecake.”
“I believe the speed limit was indeed 75, officer.”
See? Believing in something will change your life.
But the pictures, that’s where it’s at. I shared this listing with Jo England, our executive editor, because I knew she’d say it’s a great house and a great bargain despite the fact that you might die.
Jo: “OMG. I am sorry. I was lost in the maze of those pictures. WTF? Like, come on … you’re not even trying.”
Me: “I mean, all the other pictures you’re like, ‘Oh, this is definitely a fixer but this house is adora…omg this house is death metal.’ It’s like meeting a dirty baby and then finding out it has fangs.”
Jo: “The Realtor didn’t even try to cover it up. They were like ‘listing may or may not induce stigmata.’”
Me: “I like the extra arrows in that one picture. Wayfinding – the new home staging concept.”
Jo: “Don’t get lost on your way to the blood ritual upstairs!”
Me: “What’s crazy is the realtor could’ve avoided the spray paint. I mean, there were plenty of good points for this house, and since it was obviously a fixer, nobody was going to expect to see every photo anyway.”
Jo: “The stairwell picture, though. They just threw that in for shits and giggles.”
Me: “I mean, some might be like, ‘Is the master on the second floor or the first?’ Not this house. It’s life or death.”
Once again, though, Jo didn’t disappoint with her glass-half-full reaction to a house clearly warning people to run (although someone ignored this clearly because there’s a pending offer).
Jo: “However, let’s talk about what a deal this house is. I don’t even care that it’s a ringer for an Amityville horror. A little paint and pressure washing and it’s gorgeous.”
Me: “You remind me of this Twitter thread. The septic thing is a bit worrisome, too. Maybe that’s why you might die. You can’t pee or poop anywhere in this house.”
Jo: “LOL. OR THE DEVIL WILL GET YOU. HE’S WATCHING.”
Me: “Devil or uremic poisoning. Which?”
Jo: “Your choice to make. An eternity of pain and damnation or slowly dying by metabolizing your own waste.”
Aren’t you jealous you don’t work with us?
At any rate, you can’t have this house because there’s an offer pending, as I mentioned before. No word if the hell portal stays or if it belongs to the seller.