If you’ve been following along with the Wednesday WTF for any length of time at all, you know that we adore smart alecks. We employ almost exclusively smart alecks. If we had an application for employment, I’m 92.34 percent sure that there would be a question about whether or not you’re a smart aleck that would need to be satisfactorily answered to be considered.
We love shade. We love it when people just channel their inner Julia Sugarbaker and just eviscerate people verbally because they earned such a thing.
And we love it when an organization that is normally very straightlaced suddenly lets their freak flag fly and takes a trip down smartassery lane, especially when it’s a police department — I mean, Joe Friday for cryin’ out loud.
Which is why we dropped our originally planned Wednesday WTF immediately when we saw this announcement from the Southlake Department of Public Safety this week. It is paragraphs of amazing snark encased in a hard, crunchy, pink layer of Regina George and emoji.
It is, in all honesty, glorious.
See, it seems one Crystal Ladawn Finley has been accused of some thievery, and the Southlake DPS needed to take to social media — namely, Facebook, to address it, and give Ms. Finley a little heads up that they had cottoned to her alleged chicanery.
The open letter is as follows:
“Dearest Crystal Ladawn Finley,
What’s been up?! We’ve obvi been looking all over for you! You’ve been laying low since we last saw you, which was using an innocent Southlake victim’s identity to open up credit cards in person at a ton of stores in the metroplex. Luckily, the loss prevention guys prevented you from getting too much property, amiright?! You opened up those accounts at Z Gallerie, Victoria’s Secret, At Home, Ashley Furniture, Best Buy, Home Depot, and Jared (the galleria of jewelry, nonetheless).
Each one of those store’s security cameras caught you with your red tattooed lips on the right side of your neck, your right armed sleeve tats, and you driving your friend’s red Jeep with the Texas license plate KGB8529. And, OMG, we heard you were in an accident in Dallas and hope you’re ok (even though you provided a fake ID to the other involved party).
We also know you allegedly committed all the crimes while what a witness described as “extremely pregnant.”
SO! Here’s the scoop. We have the warrant and we are letting all of our besties know what you’ve been up to. You’re welcome to reach out to Detective Ellis who is working this case at firstname.lastname@example.org and he will totes fill you in!
Gurl, CALL ME.
Love, Southlake Police
Guys, I die.
The shade at Jared’s. The emoji use. The hashtags. “Gurl, CALL ME,” they say.
I kind of want to commit a crime in Southlake just so I can meet the fellow snarkster who wrote this.
OK, maybe not. I don’t like wearing flip flops in the shower and I have a shy bladder, so jail life is probably not for me.
But still, Southlake DPS, holler at your girl. I need to know more about this new social media strategy. It seems like we have a few things to talk about, and I am totally here for this.