Wednesday WTF: Every Single One of You Sent Me This Link
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Yes, yes, we’re doing this. Calm yourselves.
Social media is a blessing (most of the time). You can talk to your friends. You can keep track of who broke ugly after high school. You can argue with strangers about collusion.
And you can also have 100 people simultaneously send you the same home listing because they know part of your job is to find the most jacked-up houses in the world and write about them.
Thank you, 100 — no wait, 102 now — people who emailed/messaged/tagged me about the Lion Gate Estate. And thank you to that one person who said, “I know people keep sending you this but I NEED to see you react in the Wednesday WTF.”
But for real, can we talk about this house? For one, the last line in the description of the property.
“Only shown on sunny days.”
I guess that if you’re a vampire trying to buy a new home, you’re out then?
“Every aspect of ‘Lion Gate Estate’ has been articulated with painstaking attention to detail and mind blowing decorative flair,” the listing says.
So here’s the deal. According to the owner, the dining room wall is covered in faux fur. The basement door and wall by the stairs are crushed velour and the den has carpet on the ceiling because of course.
Homeowner Ronald Nassar calls this “wow factor.”
I for one cannot believe he didn’t mention the crochet ceiling.
Or the all white room.
Or all the statues in the bedrooms.
No seriously what is the deal with the statues in the bedrooms? Because listen, I wear glasses so the first things I see when I open my eyes after sleeping are blurry and misshapen. These bedrooms look like I would never know if I’m being burgled or just you know, safe and sound, stone cold chillin’ with my statuary.
Oh wait. They’re in the bathrooms, too. I once removed a portrait from a B&B bathroom for the duration of my stay because it felt like the old dude was staring at me while I did my business. Ain’t no way I’m dropping the kids at the pool with 500 statues staring at me.
But all in all, the half-a-million price tag isn’t a horrible deal when you consider you’re getting two cars, too, right?
If you buy this house, please let us know. I mean, I won’t be spending the night or using your facilities because statues, but I just need to meet the person who buys this house.
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I super puzzled by the plastic on the floor of the carpeted bathroom. WTF, indeed.
I think to keep it clean. Sometimes I want to Saran Wrap my floors!
Paging Karen Eubank Staging and Design… please come to the rescue!
The crocheted vine on the ceiling and the dolls in the dining room are really really scary. You could film a Stranger Things episode here and not have any cash outlay for set design. Is this price for real in Detroit?
Is this a METH lab?
Is this PeeWee Herman’s playhouse?
Is this Scarface’s first house ?
Is this Liberace’s first house ?
Is this a bordello ?
Well don’t all of you feel just so superior. I so much would rather have this person invite me to a party than most of you. This person is a free spirit. Dallas is an area of leaden dullness, a spirit of dry toast. The city of Dallas has some neighborhoods that are good, but the suburbs, are just desolation. J.B. Ballard (a famous author that likely Dallasites never heard of) said suburbs are a psychological form of death. I never really realized how true it was until I moved to Dallas and had occasion, by necessity, to drive through or to them. What is this person’s vision, what is this person’s dreams?
But to be clear, this house is in Detroit. Not Dallas. And to be further clear, Dallas is not the suburbs, so your diatribe on suburbia is misplaced as well.
I have heard of J.G. Ballard, who ironically lived in a suburb for almost 50 years, and also wrote a dystopian tome about high-rise living as well that didn’t cast such a warm glow on that habitat, either.
But mostly, lighten up, Francis.
Aside from the statues in the bedroom, I kind of like this house. Give me some shag rugs and I am back at my precious Aunt’s house in Batavia, Ill complete with white French Provincle everything and huge purple glass grape lights in the bathroom. God I wish I had those…
I dunno. Lots of hipsters moving to Detroit. I hope this posting gets national traction via Candy, and scores a big sale for owner and Realtor. Television should instantly embrace this property. Or sweet Air BNB property? Endless possibilities.
It’s a meme waiting to happen!
i’m never speechless. I am now.
Errrrr…..how much is it listed for?