Everyone is abuzz with the coyote and bobcat sightings all over town, from Plano to East Dallas. These are the new most feared words in North Texas:
“You need to know that a coyote has been spotted out here tonight.”
Several house pets have been killed, and homeowners are alarmed that the coyotes are becoming, well, BOLDER:
In an academic paper for Purdue University, (Robert Timm, a University of California wildlife specialist), outlined several warning behaviors that sound like what we’ve been seeing in East Dallas in the last couple months: an increase in coyotes seen on the streets or in yards at night, coyotes killing pets and especially daytime appearances of coyotes.
Coyotes schmoyotes. Now there’s a different, more fearsome animal you’ll see much more of in North Texas: Cougars.
They are independent, strong, beautiful women of a certain age with definite luxe real estate leanings—full marble master baths with book-matched marble not only on the floors and counters, but up the wall to keep those claws sharp, and a keen (green) eye for style: it’s celadon, dammit, not teal.
Kitchen with dual sinks are a must for visiting South American pumas. Handscraped hardwoods are her floor of choice (doesn’t show scratches), and she will not sniff a house without ensuite baths and at least three powder rooms (gotta check on the sleek looks).
Most out on the prowl are harmless, though they are crepuscular. A college student jogging in Preston Hollow after dusk was recently picked up by a PH cougar driving a black S-Class who insisted he get in her car, and let her take him home to protect him from the wild coyotes roaming the streets. He didn’t know who to fear more. He succumbed, and she dropped him at his door without a scratch.
Others, have not been so lucky, especially with the mid-cities cougars who have exhibited irrational, aggressive behaviors, such as trapping 18-year-olds.
We’ve talked to several concerned businesses and homeowners alike around DFW to find out where these cougars are most likely to be spotted, usually crouching, and gauging just how dangerous they are. (Only 20 people in North America have been killed by cougars between 1890 and 2011, including six in California.) Seeing them in the wild—like at the recently sold Waggoner Ranch—is such a thrill! We have no doubt some will soon be seen at the Crespi Estate/Walnut Place and also down at the former residence of Margaret and Trammell Crow. (Margaret is watching, you cats!)
Truth be told: their coats are to die for.
Just be careful if you’re a 20-something man with big guns. These cougars are bold, confident, devour real estate, and are dressed to kill.
1. Rattlesnake Bar at The Ritz-Carlton
The first cougar sighting we received reports of was at this swanky Uptown bar. Said cougar was spotted flirting with the bartender, trying to find men of any age with Black cards and at least a Jet-Linx membership, ordering a Bombay Sapphire and tonic with a twist.
2. NorthPark Apple Store
A Dallas cougar is nothing if not well connected, and one was recently spotted intently discussing the rumored September release date of the iPhone 7 with a hunky GeniusBar employee. She purchased a new iPhone 6, got his digits, and crept into the night. Afterwards, he phoned housekeeping to vaccum the fur off the white tables.
3. Bliss Spa
Located on the 16th floor of the W Dallas – Victory, Bliss Spa is where weary cougars come to get rejuvenated, whether by elevator or climbing the walls. They are usually wearing dark glasses —you might mistake them for large raccoons. Several sharp-eyed Dallasites saw a cougar getting a signature triple oxygen treatment here, all the while speed-texting her new boyfriend (and really annoying her esthetician). Rumor has it he was an oblivious plastic surgeon about to patent a painless hair removal system.
4. Exhale Spa
Cougars are in charge of their own destinies—no one tells them how to live life! Staying strong is essential, so it’s no surprise we got reports of several cougars taking the Core Fusion Barre class at Exhale Spa in the Highland Dallas Hotel. Off the record, some cats were said to be trading a few Vicodin tabs. No pain, no gain.
5. Hillstone at The Plaza at Preston Center
Lean protein is a dietary staple for cougars. A 25-year-old server at Hillstone (who also wished to remain anonynous) reported waiting on a cougar last week, who ordered a sashimi tuna salad at lunch while lounging on one of the cozy leather corner booths, tail swishing languidly. After paying her ticket with a Virgin America Visa, she left a 30-percent tip and invited him for drinks that night. That Virgin card later turned out to be stolen.
6. Highland Park Village
Dressed in a classic Diane von Furstenberg wrap dress and Louboutins, and carrying a $2,000 Tom Ford handbag in her paw, a Park Cities cougar was reported prowling around after work at Highland Park Village. She asked if Chanel was discounting any of the bags stolen in the January 18 burglary (the nerve!), and stopped at Tom Ford for their smudge-less black mascara before slipping into Café Pacific for a drink in the warm glow of mahogany and marble. Her tail was next seen slithering onto Bistro 31’s patio.
Where have you seen cougars in Dallas? Leave us a comment!