If the Male Loneliness Epidemic Were a House, It Would Be This North Carolina Home

If the male loneliness epidemic were a house, it would be the one featured in this week’s column. Social isolation, single, lack of close friends, this house encompasses all of these attributes. In other words, it’s a scene, man.

Milhouse is a perfect ambassador for this North Carolina home and for male loneliness.

Don’t be fooled. Let’s go inside.

Me dost think they are trying too hard. I have to meet a woman who, when she walks through the door, wants to sit on a lip-shaped couch. You know what I think? I think it’s time to smash the freaking patriarchy. Let us proceed to the kitchen and dining room. How bad could it be?

I’m going to be honest. At first, I thought those were pickleball paddles on the side of the kitchen bar. I got so excited. But when I zoomed in, I became disappointed and confused, all at the same time.

I gotta say, the dining room chairs are interesting. Do you think they just look comfortable, or are they really comfortable?

Nothing screams male loneliness like neon writing and “casino vibes.” A silver dollar to the person who can make out the first word. I’m going with “Gtits.” I can’t wait to hear what you think that word is.

Undoubtedly, those chairs are definitely uncomfortable. Hey, they get points for having a regular couch as opposed to lip-shaped furniture. But alas, the points they’ve earned get taken away for more neon writing on the wall.

Oh bubba, I really don’t see the owner of this home having to make that choice.

I absolutely have to show you this one bathroom.

Not only is there neon writing on the ceiling, but it’s asking a question that could leave the owner absolutely cooked, depending on who provides the answer. Let’s proceed to the entertainment portion of the house.

That is the closest any woman will ever get to being in this house. Just sayin’.

Oh wait, wait, wait. I have figured it out. I know what kind of dancers will be found in this house.

Bingo!!! Now this makes perfect sense.

Somebody needs to tell bro that while his obsession with women’s lips is quite juvenile, when you can see the teeth, those lips stop being kissable and become more of a snarl. I dare say, they are meant for biting, and not a “carried away by passion” bite. More like a smash the patriarchy bite.

Something you may not know, it is written into the sisterhood bylaws that we will never let a sister go into a house like this. Lips everywhere, stripper pole, neon writing, all of it is in the sisterhood bylaws under the chapter titled, “Gurl, You Crazy for Going in that House.” Don’t believe me? Look it up.

As far as the bedrooms go, those are referenced in the chapter named “Gurl, You In Trouble.”

We are all that cat, and that cat is saying, “No.”

Slay all day? No, no.

Oh hell no!

It dawns on me that there is actually someone who would love this house and would buy it in a heartbeat. He’s the ambassador for male loneliness.

Located in Asheville, North Carolina, this home is listed for $1,650,000.