Vlad the Impaler Would Love This Florida Home

Vlad the Impaler is a really important historic dude who had quite the family of origin. The tea on Vladdy was that he was not a very nice guy. Between him, his father, his brothers, and his half brother, they were gents who really did not have a good grasp on their emotions. Vlad’s preferred method of killing his enemies was, you guessed it, impaling them.

I don’t think impaling was that cute when Vlad had his way.

Vladdy mixed it up with the Saxons, was involved in the Ottoman War and cheesed off the Venetians so much that they lied to Pope Pius II about why they imprisoned ‘ol Vlad. Do you know how bad you have to be that people lie to a Pope just to jack you up? I may not know much but I know you don’t lie to El Papa.

He died when he tried to be sneaky and dressed up as a Turk in his own camp and since they were fighting the Turks, his army caught him and that ended up being one, big oopsie doodle.

When the Ottoman folks got a hold of his body they cut him into pieces and put his head on a high stake in Constantinople. Constantinople is such a fun word. After his death he was described as “a man of unheard cruelty and justice.” 

I could continue because Vlad’s Wikipedia page goes on forever. Vlad the Impaler was a hot mess. My reasoning for giving you all this information is A) it is good to learn something new and, 2) if Vlad the Impaler were alive today he would absolutely be buying the house featured in this week’s column. 

Assuming you make it past the blades of death outside the front door, welcome to Vlad’s hacienda.

The lighting combined with all the geometric patterns makes for one of the most violent looking homes I’ve ever seen. I dare say, I would prefer to be impaled than do geometry.

Can’t you see Vlad the Impaler serving his war council with this kitchen. Even the tile is shaped like arrowheads that would be worthy of the Impaler name.

Let’s get down to the real nitty gritty of this home.

An impaling room!!!

I believe this is considered to be dinner and a show. The show would be watching those who thought the roast was overdone being impaled as you eat your crème brûlée.

It just goes on and on and on. Vlad the Impaler would be pleased.

This 12,896 square-foot home is located at Apollo Beach, Florida and is listed for $19,999,999.