Forget the House and the Chaos, This NY Home Has the Most Incredible Purple Velvet Couch

Okay my lovelies, I know you are trying to figure out what to get me for Christmas. Perhaps in the past I have asked for a house or two — and maybe, just maybe, that was a little unrealistic. Maybe. This year though, I have made it really easy for you. Oh baby. Just so we are clear, in no way do I want the house featured in this week’s column. The level of chaos is more than I can handle.

It is the purple velvet couch that I want. In what can only be described as a sea of chaos is my future purple velvet couch. It is magnifique.

Now to show you that I too am a generous soul, I will get you a present. Actually, I will get you two extremely thoughtful gifts. You want to know what I plan on getting you? I will get you new rods and cones for your eyeballs because the minute you walk into this house it will blow your eyeballs right out of your head which will make it hard for you to get me my couch. You are welcome.

Let’s call this the safe zone. You still have your vision but you are getting an idea of the kaleidoscope of colors you will encounter.

There she is. That’s my beauty right there in the middle. While you are in this room, go ahead and snag the lamp for me. Let us call that an early birthday present.

Just to make sure we are on the same page, that is the lamp I am talking about. It’s gorgeous.

No need to ask, yes I want the blanket that is on my couch. You are in the room already. By this point, you are probably thinking that this isn’t so bad and will the lamp and couch match what is in my home. Absolutely not but I do not think that matters. It is a purple velvet couch.

No need to trouble yourself with the shrunken heads. They can most definitely stay. It is now time for me to give you my gift.

Rods and cones, baby! I am a thoughtful gift giver. This room is insane in so many ways. You’ve got the chick flashing her boobies at your dinner guests, other paintings that look as though they were done by a bad art student, the intensely red color, and a white window A/C unit.

It’s kind of like staring at the sun. You know you shouldn’t but you just can’t help yourself. They could have 50 paintings of naked people in this room and they would not be seen because, you know, damaged rods and cones.

So there you go my peoples, amid the chaos is my Christmas gift from you and then birthday present. I’m ordering your new rods and cones from Amazon today.

Check out the rest of this Forest Hills, New York home priced at $1.2 million.