Suffering From a Severe Case of No Taste, This New York Home Has Every Tile and Texture Ever Made. Like, Ever

In my time writing about these crazy homes, a few of them have been what looked like murder homes. Homes where murders occurred, will occur, should have occurred, or homes that are simply haunted by a murderer. The murder that occurred at the home featured in this week’s column is the cruelest of all. You see, all sense of good taste was murdered with absolutely no consideration for those left behind to deal with the aftermath.

Oh yeah, we’re going to that bad place. You know Mimi’s cardinal rule, don’t you? If I see it, you have to see it. Buckle up.

Believe it or not, this home is not located in Florida. It’s actually in New York. I know! If only the shock ended there.

My bad. I should have warned you to get your sunglasses.

Those sunglasses need to be the kind that you get after your eyes are dilated. They are so dark that barely any light gets through. What hurts is that this was all done on purpose.

The death blow to any sense of good taste is that every texture and pattern is featured in this house, and none of it matches. The redeeming feature in this entire monstrosity is that the high-polish living room floors would make for a good game of sock hockey. Granted, it will be hard to score a goal while you’re wearing those thick sunglasses, but hey, hope springs eternal.

So many focal points in this picture, and all I can see is how unhappy the Care Bear looks. I dare say, when a Care Bear is unhappy, the world is unhappy.

If you want to make things interesting, let’s sharpen the sofa sticks. Just so we’re clear, I use the word sofa in the loosest of terms.

Again, my bad. I should have warned you about the primary bath. But some things just need to be experienced as they appear. It makes life interesting, don’t you think?

Okay, I have two more for you.

Round bed and square sheets. Excuse me while I go bang my head into the tile.

The power lines above the pool are the only thing that makes sense in this entire house.

Located in Woodmere, New York, this home is listed for $3,25 million.