This Pennsylvania Home Experienced the Most Absurd Renovations in the History of Real Estate

There are times when I wake up in the morning and I feel completely up for a challenge. Bring it on, as they say. Well great big donkey that I am, I said such an absurd thing when looking at the house featured in this week’s column.

Mmm, mmm, mmm. Swimmers have the nicest physiques. I digress.

Back to this house and bringing it on. It turns out that I, indeed, do not want anything brought to me. There are 98 photos in the listing and I’ve downloaded 36 of them. That is a lot of photos all the way around and truly, absolutely absurd but so is this house.

The owners have spent almost $2 million updating every aspect of the house, and they are only asking $3.5 million. Math has never been my strong suit, but even I know $2 million in upgrades and asking $3.5 million equals what the hell? Absurd.

Indeed.

Tell me you are in a villain’s lair without telling me you are in a villain’s lair.

More than 12,000 square feet in this house so why not have a waiting area for your guests as they wait for you to descend that staircase without dying? Let me add that my dog, Hazelberg, would absolutely knock off that glass objet d’art as he barked at his reflection in the mirror.

Lair vibes aside, how much do you think was spent on those un-dustable roses? (Editor’s note: I totally thought those were ears. —SS.) We are only eight photos in and my head already hurts.

You see the marble on the island behind the uncomfortable spider leg chairs? Get used to seeing it. If anyone knows what the yellow eggpod thing is, then by all means, speak up.

Who doesn’t want the challenge of getting the bread crumbs out of those hairy barseats? Bring it on along with the vacuum cleaner. Absurd.

Oy vey, those chairs.  Who needs a drink?

My hope is that they spent the entire $2 million on this bar because it is magnificent and absolutely needed to live in this house.

But I really believe that the money went into the women with bowl haircuts and gold-plated lips.

I know Tay-Tay. I know. Let’s go upstairs.

Okay, I’m going to give you an example of how a conversation would go between myself and The Gusman in this bedroom.

The Gusman: Hey babe, where is the remote?

Me: What?

The Gusman: The remote! Where’s the remote?

Me: WWWHHHAAATTTT! YOU’RE TOO FAR AWAY. WHAAATTTT!

The Gusman: THE REMOTE! THE REMOTE!

Me: WWWHHHAAATTTT!

And that is how a marriage of 32 years dies an ugly death. The closet is even worse.

“Hi! Welcome to Dillard’s. Can I help you find something in particular?”

Told ya you’d see all that kitchen marble again. On a positive note, when you get out of the tub and slip, there’s a good chance the neighbors across the way will see you and may come help. Okay one more.

This broke me. More than 12,000 square feet and almost $2 million spent in renovations, I have one question. Why in the name of everything good and holy is my elbow bumping up against the freakin’ shower?

Everybody meet back at the bar. Bring on the alcohol.

This Ivyland, Pennsylvania home is listed for $3.5 million.