Can You Take a Chintz? Pushy Pillows And Rude Draperies Set The Tone in This Ohio Home

I think I finally found the listing that has broken me. You read that right. More than 100 columns of some pretty nutty houses under my belt and it is this listing that has left me with a splitting headache and has me saying in my out-loud voice “What The Fuuuuuudge!”

It is not just me that has been impacted by this listing, it is everyone in Cincinnati, Ohio, who has gone to a Kohl’s or JCPenney or Bed, Bath and Beyond looking for an accent pillow to liven up their couch or draperies to add a “touch of class” to their home. If they have tried ordering a pillow or drapery online, they have been denied because every pillow and drapery that has ever been made in the history of pillows and draperies are in this house.

The listing agent for this property will not be right for quite some time, if ever. Yes, they will have a story for the ages but their left eye will always start to twitch when talking about this house.

Okay, enough hype. Let’s do this.

This four-bedroom, two-and-a-half-bathroom home can be found at 514 East Mitchell Avenue, Cincinnati, Ohio. That beautiful, uncluttered front porch also serves as a reprieve when the walls undoubtedly close in on you or the pillows and draperies throw you out on your kiester. The owners are asking $299,900.

“Sitting down for dinner is for weaklings. If you sit, where are the pillows going to go, to the floor? Ha, ha, ha ha, you twit. Stand! Stand and eat. The pillows take precedence.”

Okie doke, there is another dining room. Let us go there.

“I said stand and eat thy dinner, twit! And don’t bump the television with your chair.”

Okay, okay, eating comfortably is overrated.

“If you really must sit, weakling, then you can do so here and here, on the edge of the couches, and be careful not to disturb the pillows. They need their rest. Bwah ha ha ha.”

Who knew draperies could be so rude?

The laundry room will blow what is left of your mind.

“Laundry! Laundry! You dare wash thy filthy sundries in front of the pillows and draperies? And don’t even think of sitting in here either. The laundry room pillows need their rest, too.”

“You dost wish to rest thy weary head? The answer is no. The pillows need more space so there is none for you, foul creature.”

Okay, okay. I know of one place where sitting is an absolute must. On to the bathroom.

“The horror, the horror! You dare lower thy trousers in the presence of the pillows?”

That chair, those pillows, and draperies in the master bath add a whole new meaning to “the throne room.” Imagine dropping a deuce while ‘ol Queen Vic sits in that chair. My God.

Yeah, so, there you go. Mimi is broken. I think this is a good place to end this column because if you are like me, a nice stiff drink is what is needed.

For more photos go here.