Want to Live in a Mausoleum? This Home Comes Complete With Portals And an ’80s Mall Look

So you say you want to live in a mausoleum with skylights, a Sbarro Pizza, an Orange Julius, and a Sears? Oh yeah, and valet parking. We cannot forget about the valet parking. Well fam, I can make all of that happen for you. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

No, no, really I can. The feel of a mausoleum with the mall look. Yeah, baby, it is the house featured in this week’s column. Let us get you a bag of those mini cookies to go with your Orange Julius as we tour this mauso-mall.

I love Mr. Burns. He would absolutely love this house.

Plenty of room for the valet. Just sayin’. This mausoleum and mall — a mauso-mall if you will — is located at 37W756 Woodgate Rd, Saint Charles, Illinois. This mauso-mall has six bedrooms, seven-and-a-half bathrooms and is almost 14,000 square feet. Sitting on 26 acres, the owners are asking $2.9 million.

The incredibly familiar sliding glass doors welcome you to the mausoleum portion of the mauso-mall. You can say “howdy-do!” to all your loved ones entombed behind the marble panels as you make your way to the Footlocker.

Aaaahhh, the atrium. The place where everyone congregates after getting their treats from the food court. The only thing missing are the uncomfortable chairs and the white Formica tables with seven-year-old nacho cheese stains that can withstand any chemical a pockmarked teen can throw at it.

Here is the exercise area that was so popular in the ‘80s. The only thing missing is Olivia Newton-John singing “Let’s Get Physical” while a bunch of women — in full makeup, mind you — wearing fluorescent-colored headbands and leg warmers sing along.

Close enough.

Here we have the koi pond in front of the pickup window of your favorite eatery. There’s a nice stone barstool if you want to take a load off before heading over to Radio Shack.

And lastly, what is a mauso-mall without a few portals to hell?

What? You thought I was kidding? I have never been to a mall where you could not find open portals to hell behind every Casual Corner or Spencer’s. The only problem is that the minute you step through that portal you are right back at the doors of a mall.

Psych!

Why yes, yes it is.

For more photos go here.