No Spicy Meatballs at This Olive Garden-Style Palace Built For Adult Films

So you say you love Olive Garden.

So you say you love porn.

Well, saddle up partners because we are going on a ride to a home decorated like an Olive Garden and set up for an adult video shoot. All you pearl clutchers out there, throw them pearls in the saddle bag. I do not decorate these homes but when duty calls, I answer the phone.

This Olive Garden porn palace sits on six acres, has six bedrooms, five-and-a-half bathrooms, and is 13,000 square feet in size. It is located at 14125 NW Germantown Road, Portland, Oregon. The owners are asking $5 million.

Here is the entryway or otherwise known as the “waiting to be seated” area. All you need to do is throw in a couple of benches and this would be identical. I can sense the doubt coming from all of you wonderful readers. Look at the next picture.

Be honest. If you did not know any better you would think this was the waiting area of your standard Olive Garden. They even have a bar close to the front door.

What is the line from the Olive Garden commercial? “When you are here, you are family.” They have even named the area the Oasis. Yeah, nothing screams “Daddy’s home!” like needing an Oasis and a drink the minute you walk through the door. 

I don’t know. Perhaps they have the secret to dealing with one’s family better than most. I digress.

Same color scheme and range hood that you can find at your local national Italian restaurant chain.

Let us check out the home theater.

I love The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, and that couch looks really comfy. It is so comfy that it, along with all the other furniture, is included in the sale. So there is no need to spend money on furnishing your new home. However, wait until you finish the story to decide whether you want to keep it.

With that in mind, let us go to the bedrooms.

Nothing wrong with these bedrooms. They seem to go with the flow of the house. So there you go, that is the column for this week. Have I forgotten anything? Wait, what is that I am hearing being hollered from the peanut gallery? The porn! Why is this a porn palace?

Oh yeah, how could I forget?

The owner looking to sell this home is none other than porn star Mia Malkova and yeah, she worked from home, if you know what I mean.

That little nugget of information just changes everything, does it not? Instead of “When you are here, you are family” (Ewwww) it should be more along the lines of “Is that a breadstick in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

Now what is really funny is that in an interview regarding using her home to film adult porn movies, Mia said her porn castle “is very eccentric.” Apparently, Mia has never been to an Olive Garden.

And now that you have had a hot minute to sit with the information that your future home will be seen in a countless number of adult films that will live on in perpetuity on the interwebs, you have come to realize that A) you will never sit on any of the furniture, and B) you do not believe that The Good, The Bad and The Ugly was actually shown in that home theater.

Why yes, yes it is.

For more photos go here.