This Surreal House of Horror is Like a Bad Trip

Horror movies have changed. Having grown up with the classics like John Carpenter’s Halloween or Friday the 13th, we knew the formula going into the theater. 

Dopey teenagers drink, do drugs, have sex, and are killed by a psycho with the exception of the lone virgin who did not drink or do drugs. The sober virgin was left to successfully battle the killer but suffers from severe PTSD throughout all the sequels. No thinking is involved with this formula. 

Now GenZ has come along and they have developed a new formula for horror movies. Much like new math, these horror movies can be hard to follow because they are a slow burn. A slow-burn horror starts off like any other movie, where maybe there is something off but you are not sure and then when you least expect it, you are freaked out and two hours after the movie has ended, you are still freaked out. 

I give you this prelude because the house featured in this week’s column is a slow burn. 

This four-bedroom, two-bath house is located at 2510 Coleman Way, Sacramento, California. The home has a little more than 2,300 square feet and is close to shopping and restaurants. The neighborhood association puts on community events year-round. It sounds absolutely delightful. The owners are asking $725K.

“The artwork throughout the house was done by the seller and was made with caulk, styrofoam, wood, and paint,” says the description. Just your regular artsy fartsy California house. Nothing to see here.

It is thoughtful of the owners to put the address on the inside of the house. That way when you go running for your life and you are lucky enough to have a cell phone you can tell 911 where you are.

So by this point, the slow burn has started to pick up speed. It is no longer just an “artsy fartsy house.”

Okay, so you have seen enough and you are ready to go but you get lost and stupidly go though the lone white door.

And now you are in the basement. You want to feel like nothing bad could happen in the basement. It is not like it is dark or anything. 

Ruh-roh.

And now we have hit the true horror part of this slow burn. You know nothing good happens through that doorway, but you just gots to know.

Cue popcorn flying now. No way you are not going to unsee that dark, little dungeon/torture room. Everything else in the house is relatively cheery. What monster lurks in the shadow of this room? Your imagination of what happens there will have you scared two hours from now. That is how GenZ rolls.

For more photos go here.