‘Mindhunter’ Delves Into Psyche of Madonna Wannabe

Something you all may not know about me is that I used to be a top-ranking FBI profiler. That show Mindhunter is based on me. I write for CandysDirt.com because I needed more of a challenge professionally. 

Do you remember the Lindbergh baby kidnapping? Yours truly solved that case and you are welcome, Charles Lindbergh.

My passion for solving a case and pointing at someone while yelling, “Hey, arrest that guy. He did it,” had waned. So here I am writing for you fine people and having a pretty good time in the process.

I digress.

Would you like a sample of my profiling prowess? I will use the owner of the listing featured in this week’s column as a sample of my expertise. I can tell you all about her just by looking at the photos of her condominium.

The suspect, I mean the owner, is a woman in her mid-50s who grew up during the 80s, watched as MTV launched, and was swept away with all the music videos. Her favorite performer was Madonna. One can say she became obsessed with the material girl.

The suspect began dressing and acting like Madonna. She could not get enough. She vowed that when she was on her own she would be just like Madonna. Her goal was to be like this.

In actuality, she is like this.

Enough talking, let us go to the scene of the crime.

The two-bedroom, two-bath apartment is located at 1516 N State Parkway, Apt. 9D, Chicago, Illinois. The owner is asking $414K for this 1,415 square foot unit.

The tribute to Madonna begins in the living room.

Whenever the color of your walls reflect onto the ceiling, that is not a good thing.

This is such a purple-y apartment. If anyone says they cannot hear the lyrics to their favorite Madonna song, it is my professional Mindhunter opinion that they are simply being stubborn.

I will help you out here, the sign on the wall says, “Wherever she goes, she leaves a little sparkle.”

Her sweater kind of matches the bathroom.

Come on, let us go to the other bathroom. I cannot wait for you to see that one. My profiling skills are already telling me what you are going to be thinking.

Okay, one more picture. I promise this will be over soon.

That is a whole lotta white tiger carpeting for one room. I have no doubt I would get dizzy every time I walked to bed.

Now through my connections at the FBI and Netflix, I was able to reach out to Madonna and ask her if she likes this condo. 

My Mindhunter mind is already telling me what she thinks.

And another case is solved! You are welcome, Charles Lindbergh.

To see more photos, go here.