An Ohio Victorian With So Many Doilies You Don’t Even Notice All The Creepy Dolls

Sometimes you can just see the crazy that sits behind the front door of a house.

No, seriously, the home featured in this week’s column not only embraces the crazy but also throws in a healthy dose of something you would find in a horror movie. I find it hard to believe that anyone survived the night staying in this house. No way you sleep with your eyes closed. Like I said, crazy man, just crazy.

I know, I know, enough talking. 

This Victorian-style home is located at 1349 Cook Ave, Lakewood, Ohio. It has four bedrooms and three-and-a-half bathrooms and is 2,000 square feet. The owners are asking $299K. The first three things the listing agent touted about this house were location, location, and location. 

I have no doubt that this poor agent sat there for what seemed like an eternity typing and deleting the first line of the description only to settle on “location.” I feel their pain.

If you find the wreath on the front door a little much then you really need to reconsider going any further. There is a strong likelihood that you will not be right once we go through that front door.

Okay, are you ready? Brace.

Yes, Tony, “Marone” indeed.

Now the one thing I keep focusing on in this room is all the wicker patio furniture. Did the dolls specifically ask for wicker furniture because they do not want to strain themselves when they rearrange the furniture while the owners sleep? Or, do they simply have supernatural powers that come from being possessed? 

I guess I keep focusing on the furniture because it keeps me from thinking about how many of those dolls used to be actual humans.

I feel ya, Clint.

A couple of things about the formal living room. The furniture is not wicker, which convinces me further that my supposition about the dolls wanting the lighter furniture is on point. This furniture weighs quite a bit.

Secondly, that is just a crapton of lace, doilies, lacy doilies, doily doilies … you get the point.

Now if you are like me, you need a reprieve so you are probably thinking, “The kitchen, let us go to the kitchen.”

Fools.

You just know that in that refrigerator sits no less than 64 Country Crock tubs filled with leftovers from Thanksgiving 2015-2020. But that is fine because we all know the dolls only use the microwave. That is the only spot of empty counter space.

You should know what is coming by now. The bathroom and bedrooms.

Yeah, I know buddy. You thought all the lace within a 5,000-mile radius got used up downstairs. You were wrong.

After looking at all these photos, I could not help but think of Caesar. Yes, that Caesar. He wore flouncy, bouncy robes and togas. What would Caesar think of this house?

For more pictures go here.