This House For Dummies Shows That You Shouldn’t Drink and Decorate

Pssst … hey you. Yeah, you … come here.

We are going to play a game this week and I do not want my editor to find out.

You see, the game we are going to play is a drinking game about the house featured in this week’s column.

If you are reading this in the morning, then go mix yourself a ginormous pitcher of Bloody Marys (do not be stingy with the vodka) and stick a straw in it. 

If Mimosas are more your speed, then pop that bottle of 1959 Dom Perignon and stick a straw in it. 

If you are reading this later on in the day then just get your favorite bottle of hooch and bogart that puppy because trust me, you will need every drop.

So here are the rules:

You take a drink for every mannequin we see and then another drink if the mannequin is headless. You take yet another drink if the mannequin is naked. Lastly, take half a drink if we just see random mannequin body parts but two drinks if those random parts are boobies. The rest we will just play by ear. 

Let us begin.

This home, which was designed by someone who really, really, really liked geometry, is located at  1711 Graveline Road, Gautier, Mississippi. It has three bedrooms, three-and-a-half bathrooms, and has 3,500 square feet. The home sits on 2.5 acres. The owners are asking $434K.

Okay, everybody ready? Here we go.

Everybody, take a drink. 

Technically, she is not naked because who can really tell if the mannequin is wearing a top with the lights from her boobies burning out your retinas. Oh yeah, she is also wearing a skirt.

I do not consider her headless since there is a video recorder sitting on what is left of her noggin. So yeah, one drink for everybody.

That is one drink for the mannequin on the ledge but what to do about the mannequins holding up the shelf with their manhood. It seems like it would be a minimum of one or two more drinks but then they hold up the shelf with their nether regions. Everybody is on the honor system here, so you take as many drinks as you think you should.

Okay, I got this one. Three drinks: mannequin (1 drink), headless (1 drink); boobies (2 drinks) so that is a total of four drinks in one picture. 

The only thing more unbelievable about this house is that the bottle of Crown Royal sitting in the middle of the mannequin’s torso would not be completely empty. Somebody check my math: mannequins times two; headless times two; naked times infinity that all comes out to a bunch of drinks.

Scooby-Do! Poor Scooby. You know that poor dog just spends his days looking around saying “ruh-roh!” And yeah, here is the kitchen. One of the few rooms without a mannequin.

Let us stagger our way over to a bedroom and one of the bathrooms.

A mannequin in thigh highs.

Every couple of weeks a friend will text me and it goes like this: “I read your column. What were those people thinking?” I always reply, “I dunno.”

There is no doubt that these mannequins will have her grabbing her phone only this time I have the perfect answer.

To see more photos, go here.