Home Brings Visceral Reaction, And Not in a Good Way

Visceral is the word of the day when talking about the house featured in this week’s column.

Now, I know what you are thinking: “Mimi, where is the funny little story that leads us to the point of the column? We are not getting any dialogue this week? What, no reference to the 1980s?” 

No. No you do not get any of those things this week. We are getting straight to the point and I hope you can handle it because two of the three people I have shown this house to have actually used the word visceral in describing their reactions. The third person simply said, ”I had a violent, physical response to this house.”

A visceral reaction is one that comes from instinct rather than intellect. The reaction is raw and uncontrolled and the emotions we feel force a physical response. Raw emotion is what this house brings forth. Prepare yourself.

The home is located in Scottsdale, Arizona. If Scottsdale does not bring about a visceral reaction then you may be okay by the end of this column.

The four-bedroom, two-and-a-half bathroom home is located 10170 Larkspur Drive, Scottsdale, Arizona and has a little more than 4,000 square feet. Just looking at this picture makes my left eye twitch.

I have put these two photos next to each other so you can see that bedroom doors match the parquet ceiling in the living/dining room. It is as though the owners found a sale on flooring, all kinds, and put it everywhere. Parquet flooring on the ceiling, why yes, that is a splendid idea. 

The only thing that could bring any life to this kitchen is if Statler and Waldorf were sitting on the balcony throwing out snarky comments. Why would you need a balcony over your kitchen? Perhaps to announce the next jousting tournament? 

This kitchen really brought out the most deep-seeded visceral feeling I have ever had looking at a house. Look, I can understand needing two ovens to cook all those turkey legs for the commoners attending the jousting tournament but where is the ladder to get to the microwave? Am I to place whatever I want nuked in a catapult and fling it across the room into said microwave?  

Well sure, let us put a door against a brick wall with a fixture that looks like it belongs on a light pole. We really want to be able to see the public bathroom, plastic, hands-free paper towel dispenser. 

So are you having those visceral feelings yet?

I can make them go away in an instant.

This house was designed by kitty cats. Look at this picture. There are not one, but two kitty cat balconies. If you look closely throughout all these pictures, you will see little cat balconies everywhere.

Why are there so many different textures in this house? Kitty cats love scratching and clawing and they never know what they will want to scratch and claw so by putting every texture known to man in this house the pussy cats will have options.

See it all makes sense when you look at it that way. That violent, visceral emotion you first had is all gone. You are now picturing cute little kittens tucked away in their balconies. You are welcome. Now go enjoy the rest of your week.

To see more photos click here.