You Can’t Walk Around Naked, But You Should Get This House Anyway

Some people are never-nudes and barely disrobe to shower. Others feel just fine walking around in only what their mamas gave them — but just in their bedrooms and bathrooms. And then there are those that just wanna let their freak flags (and everything else, since nothing is uh, strapped down) fly and walk around naked throughout their home.

Today’s Wednesday WTF is not the house for you if you fall into the latter category.

Now, I know sometimes (OK, most of the time) a home featured in the Wednesday WTF is something you might want to poke with a stick, but you don’t want to live in it because it might hurt you. But other times, the Wednesday WTF is more like, “WTF, that’s awesome.”

This is awesome. But you still can’t run around naked in it.

The home today is in Monkton, Maryland. Built in 1990, it clocks in at 5,754 square feet and has five bedrooms and five-and-a-half baths. For all the gorgeousness and the lot size (4 acres), it with an extremely reasonable $1.7 million price tag.

The listing description:

“Long private drive leads to this unparalleled modern riverfront glass barn designed & engineered on skyscraper principles. Newly renovated top to bottom in 2018 with no detail overlooked including automatic Lutron shades throughout for privacy and light & climate control, this architectural masterpiece sits on over 4 landscaped acres and boasts spectacular views of nature from every room, including Gunpowder river views in the fall and winter. Upstairs theater room has retractable screen and blackout shades for the moststylish of movie nights. Enjoy the magnificent daily sunsets from any one of your 4 stone fireplaces and take advantageof the all the tubing, kayaking and fly fishing that Monkton has to offer right in your back yardor enjoy a short walk or bike ride to the NCR trail around the corner. Automated smart home systems throughout with Lutron wireless shades &Control4, both fully-integrated with Alexa for voice control for shades, all lights, locks, devices and security.Commercial grade, 5 Zone geothermal systemheating and cooling systems with oilboiler for back-up heat.Other notable features include: Wolf duelfuel 48 range with pot filler, smart-fridge, double islands with quartz countertops and separate quartz topped bar with ice maker and beverage fridge, Reverse Osmosis Water System, lower level au pair suite with separate entrance, Floor to ceiling glass doors with Juliet balconies in every room, fire pit, fully climate-controlled greenhouse, commercial level WiFi, future proof whole home fiber optic cabling & constant water pressure system, central vacuum system, upper and lower decks overlooking the river.”

Seriously, this house is gorgeous. The property is gorgeous. I would live here in a heartbeat and just invest in robes. But there are a few questions I have.

1. How do you not wake up blinded at the crack of dawn every morning?

2. What if you don’t want Bambi (come on, you know he’s a freak) to watch you take a bubble bath?

3. Is having a playroom surrounded by windows kind of like having glass fronts on your kitchen cabinet doors, which means you can’t store your Dickey’s cups there, only the good toys? So like if your kid comes home with some kind of dollar store awful, you have to relegate that toy to somewhere else in the house, like a secret third playroom where there is no light or windows and all the misfit toys go there and only the good toys go in the fancy playroom?

Want to see more (and you really should go look)? Click here. Are you gonna buy it and be naked in it all the time because you don’t care if bears see you bare? Don’t tell us.