This Baltimore Cottage is Clearly to Die For

I should preface this week’s Wednesday WTF by saying that almost everything I know about Baltimore comes from the defunct show Ace of Cakes, and The Wire. I also know that you can see Edgar Allan Poe’s house, and that there’s a really good sushi place in the Inner Harbor.

And now I know where you can get Wednesday Addams’ starter home.

I know you think I might be prone to hyperbole, but no. Let’s look at the disparity between the listing description …

“Come inspect this one of a kind rare home. Seller has made many improvements. There is a double wide driveway in front. From the alley in the rear you can enter the 12×37 detached garage. There are doors on both ends of the garage. Enjoy summer bonfires in your own fire pit. High privacy fence and eight security cameras will keep things private and secure. A covered 14 foot stone wet bar with granite pillars that includes a double built in cooler is like going on vacation in your back yard. Walk in the front door to ceramic tile and recessed lighting in the kitchen and dining area. Enjoy cooking in your updated kitchen with a five burner gas range, a double sink and Corian countertops. The front loading washer/dryer is hidden in the pantry. A full bath and carpeted living and dining rooms make this level complete.Downstairs is a huge open recreation room open for your imagination. The lower level includes four windows and an outside entrance. There is easy access to service the gas boiler, water heater and sump pump.On the upper level there is a huge loft style bedroom. Once a 3 bedroom home. 1 on the main level and 2 upstairs. Consult your carpenter. Besides the closet there are five storage closets. Make this dream your home!”

… and the photos of the many improvements.

I have questions. For instance, how does someone get some much black carpet? Why no blackout curtains, which seem like they’d be an obvious choice?

And then there’s the kitchen, which is a great place to cook up a pizza or dismember a body.

And did we mention the bedroom?

Or the basement?

Or the backyard?

I mean, even the fire pit is all set up for the Dark Lord. EVEN THE FENCE IS BLACK.

Want to see more of this Baltimore single-family mausoleum? Head over here.