This Unfriendly Gal Is Gonna Need a Bigger Moat

I have been called many a thing — just last week, it was “evil” and (checks notes) “unfriendly,” and a few weeks ago, “someone who glorifies day drinking.”

Clearly the latter was hurled by someone who has never taped a tea bag string to the inside of her wine mug so it looks like Earl Grey is keeping her happy, not chardonnay, on Zoom calls.

But I’ve never been called a guinea pig, and I won’t be adding that title to my list of superlatives anytime soon, despite the fact that Gov. Greg Abbott is opening up businesses again when we’re not sure we’re done peaking on this whole novel coronavirus thing.

But you may disagree with me. And I’m sure if you do, you’re going to say something in the comments, and probably something about how I’m evil and unfriendly because I don’t like aerosol COVID-19 droplets flung at me by people who don’t know what six feet looks like.

So instead of harping about that any more, I decided to go moat shopping. But my googling of moat builders brought me somewhere else entirely — the adorable Netherlands town of Giethoorn.

Much like Doc Brown, Giethoorn doesn’t need roads — instead, its occupants travel by boat through a series of connected canals and more than 170 small wooden bridges.

The village’s thatched farms are built on small peat islands, with about 2,600 people calling it home. Some of those people live in a newer part with roads, but clearly, we want the boat part.

So basically, you can farm peat on a big farm while only going places by foot or boat. Play your cards right, and you could even possibly get a farm surrounded by canals, which means, of course, that people can only get to you by boat, and then it becomes a whole thing, and if you’re like me, you try to avoid anything that is going to become a whole thing.

So maybe this house. I mean, listen, I don’t even read/speak Dutch, but I do know it’s got a lot of water around it, it’s “rust en privacy,” and the term “walk in closet” is universal.

Have you been international abode shopping during your quarantine? What are you looking for now that you’ve been spending so much time in your current home?

Let us know!