Smash the Patriarchy and This Colorado Home While You’re at it

It is never too early in the year to start smashing the patriarchy. For that matter, it is never too late in the year to smash the patriarchy. Simply put, it is always the right time to smash the ever-loving crap out of the patriarchy and it begins with the house featured in this week’s column.

Brilliant! Now, a question I get asked quite a bit is where do I find these nutball homes to write about. Believe me when I tell you, it does not require a lot of searching. People are nuts. The home this week, however, was actually sent to me via our CandysDirt.com news tip line. I bet you didn’t know we had a news tip line. Well, now you do. You are welcome. As for the person who sent me this home, Betsy, this one’s for you. I have digressed long enough.

Let’s get to smashing the ever-loving crap out of some patriarchy, shall we? 

The bro who designed this house lives a life of delusion, bless his heart. It begins with “luxury living with unique features.” These “unique features” will never be seen by anyone of the opposite sex. 

There is just so much to smash. My God. The dude who owns this house envisions hot tub hotties going from the kitchen to the stripper pole to the hot tub because he knows what women need and want. Dollars to donuts, he saw that honeycomb lighting in some strip club. 

No is absolutely on point because this house gets worse.

Because it appears that the bro has a short attention span, he installed no less than eight televisions in the “entertainment” area “for you and friends to watch sports 24/7/365.” Part of me wants to believe that he knows there is no way any woman will set foot in that house, so he has to have something to watch as he and his nine other bro buddies sit in the hot tub.

Who needs a table to sit and eat when bro can just swing on his stripper pole as he eats his bologna and cheese sammich. Then there are the reflective kitchen cabinets. These cabinets and the chandelier scream “pimp.” But wait, there is still so much more that needs to be smashed.

The six-car garage, which you can see through the living room, can also be used as a basketball court. The most positive thing I can say about this house is that the garage is big enough to hold the bro and all the other doofalettas that will undoubtedly use this home for the annual sausagefest convention.

So there you go. I’ll give you one more for the road. Smash the patriarchy!!!

See more of this $1.6 million Grand Junction, Colorado home.