Grab Your Eye Bleach For This Dirty House Porn That Pigpen Would Love

When I saw the house in this week’s column I immediately thought of Pigpen. You remember Pigpen from the Charlie Brown universe. He is the dirty little fellow who never took a shower. A cloud of dirt always followed him. 

His only redeeming quality was that he was not a major league jerk like Lucy and Peppermint Patty or condescending like Linus and Schroeder and Sally, well, she was simply vapid. 

Pigpen was the only character in that comic universe that was comfortable in his own skin. He was always nice to the other kids and hoped they would be nice to him. But they never were because they were jerks. 

As you can probably tell by now, I never cared for the Charlie Brown comic strip. Pigpen lived his life his way and did not care if he was shunned. If it was just him and his cloud of dirt, he was good.

It would be nice to think that the same could apply to homes but no, it does not. For those who want to show their homes the way they live, it is a train wreck because the owners could find their house featured on Wednesday WTF. A case in point is this week’s listing. All I can muster at this point is “Oy vey.”

Pigpen’s home is located at 8085 Red Barn Drive, Las Vegas, Nevada. It is a four-bedroom, two-bath home and has 1,923 square feet. The view from the curb should be a tip-off that Pigpen made this a do-it-yourself masterpiece. The owners are asking $485K.

I know, I know. There is a lot to unpack here. Just so much. I am going out on a limb here and just assume that Pigpen has not learned how to use picture-in-picture technology. The huge dirt stain in the center of the rug leads me to believe that Pigpen and his dirt pile would stand right there and watch his televisions.

Along with being a one-butt kitchen, this has to be what it is like to be in a human trash compactor. I feel as though the ceiling inset is going to lower and crush my bones along with the appliances and, by the looks of it, I do not believe I would be the first.

Aaaahhhh the game room. It seems like Pigpen did not just find a close-out sale of every building material ever made but he also went to a couple of home demolition sites and just picked up random bricks to put in his ceiling.

The biggest issue with the bar is that there is nowhere near enough alcohol to deal with everything that is going on in this house. Pigpen, whatcha doin’ bro?

Let us go to the bedrooms but I warn you, start filling your tub now so when you are done you can take a soak and get clean.

Look at those pillows. Who could sleep in such a bed? Oh wait…

The only difference is that the pig’s room has cleaner carpet.

Not only does the burger have crunch, but so do those sheets and bedspread.

The only thing we have not seen are the bathrooms. Take a minute and go add some lavender oil to the bath you have running.

A: How dirty do you need to be to leave your washcloths that filthy?

B: Why are there buckets under every faucet?

Okay, folks, your bath is probably ready by now. Go and enjoy taking a long soak without a bucket under your faucet. We will leave Pigpen to deal with this house.

To see more photos go here.