This could really get me in water that is hotter than my swimming pool right about now, but a friend in California is selling their home and these are the photos the agent shot. Naturally, I have some strong opinions, which I am going to withold. It’s a lovely contemporary northern Cali home circa 1983 but remodeled, located in Saratoga, on the Peninsula, ’bout an hour from San Francisco. Totally orgasmic yard.

Four bedrooms (one is a study), play area, four full baths and the master bath is decked-out to-die for: heated floors, towel warmer, sexy infinity overflow soaking tub with jets, steam shower,  private zen master garden where you can sunbathe or raise marijuana or medidate bare-ass naked if you want to like any normal California nut and the neighbors will never see. Maybe.

The pool is kind of wrapped around the house, and the home is set very far back, shares a driveway with the neighbor. Backs to a running stream and the huge redwood trees are glorious, glorious. Plus you can see them from every window. In fact, I think they ought to include a case of Windex with the sale because this house has so many windows and glass, all drawing the eye out to the fabulous gardens. In case you’d like to buy it, please note temp is about 70 there now as I write this.

The home has not been professionally staged, should it be? What do you think of those plants? Do they need some art? Do the photos do the home justice? Please do not hold back — critique away, as hard as you want. After all, this house is not located in hell like we are — KIDDING!

Asking $3,895,000. What’s funny about selling a home in California: buyers want to know even if PETS have died in a home, and they are very Feng Sui conscious, I’m told: colors have to be right, and they don’t like it when water runs away from the house, or something.