Full disclosure: I bought a carton of cigarettes, Natty Light and Cheerios as a Housewarming Gift! Now it’s the latest rage…
As we have been telling you, those boys who love to build and remodel homes are moving into Preston Hollow, my ‘hood. And I could not be more deeeelighted! If Sunday night was any indication of how we will be rocking the ‘hood, let me tell you Preston Hollow home values just notched up the indicator charts and the hottest Welcome Wagon gift for your new neighbor is Cheerios, Natty Light and a carton of cigarettes.
Tim, Justin and I made arrangements to rendez-vous at THEE HOUSE on Azaela so I could see progress with my very own eyes. I was so excited, and of course a very fine pinot noir was involved. I said I would come over at 6:00 p.m. after my faithful work-out class at Cooper Aerobics Center, which I only miss for God and my deathbed. 5:45 p.m. I am finishing up at Cooper, I get a text from Tim and Justin:
So like any good neighbor, I proceed to Tom Thumb Preston Forest to pick up the goods. I had to ask the store manager where they keep the “Natty Light”, and then had no idea how to buy cigarettes, haven’t bought them in years. Like, do you have to give a tissue scan of your lungs now? You totally should. Would putting this purchase on my Rewards Card alert my insurance company — now there’s an idea. Big Brother is not just watching, he’s increasing your rates if you buy and puff!
And then, I thought, why was I buying cigarettes to promote a bad habit? This totally took me back a few years to when my kids were teenagers. Do I let them drink alcohol at home? Shall I do to Justin what I did to my daughter when I caught her smoking: take her and friends to hear Tobacco whistle blower Jeffrey Wigand, who told them no tobacco company executives smoke cigarettes.
(Where is Wigand these days, anyhow?)
This prompted a lecturing text to Justin: “I hate buying cigarettes you should really quit smoking”.
But of course he’s a big boy, I bought them. More texts: they were wanting to know WTF I was? Where I was, dearest new neighbors, was buying your GD contraband! I told them to go ahead and eat, we could meet at Mi Cocina: one of the great bennies of Preston Hollow living is a myriad of restaurants and grocery stores, where so many samples are handed out you could probably eat for free every day of the week, including that free slice of turkey to “taste” it.
(Who actually says no, this turkey tastes like dog butt, so slice me up another.)
I self-check out, load up the stuff, and head over to Mi Cocina… or Mi Micro as Justin’s iphone auto-corrected. I walk around the place a bit in my gorgeously sweaty post-work out attire and hair, and finally find Tim and Justin! Yeah!
So I’ve got all your stuff in the car, I say, but really, red Marlborough Lights? You have to quit smoking. Such a disgusting habit. I cannot believe I actually bought cigarettes! And you owe me $60 bucks!!!
Wait, says Justin, you BOUGHT those things? We were totally kidding you!
WE DON’T SMOKE!
But what about the Natty Light — I got a 30 pack to celebrate…
CANDY DON’T YOU KNOW GAYS NEVER DRINK BEER! (WHAT THE BEJESUS IS WRONG WITH YOU???)
I was laughing so hard the entire restaurant was staring at us.
Well, I said, at least I got the Cheerios right!
WE ASKED FOR CHEETOS!